This year marks ten years of The Real Housewives of Cheshire, which has broken our bloody brains a bit. Those very first 2015 teaser spots feel like yesterday.
But, yep, our Cheshire-based queens have been spinning around in fancy gowns hurling one liners at us with enough finesse and fierceness to make both Lisa Vanderpump and Nene Leakes quake in their books for TEN YEARS.
With the arrival of the long-waiting series 18 of the ITVBe reality series just over the horizon (the first episodes are expected to drop in March), we've been thinking about each and every one of those legendary Housewives that have invited camera crews into their Cheshire homes over the years, along with all of the taglines they've uttered during 18 seasons' worth of opening credits.
Because our obsessive fandom knows no bounds, we've gone back and revisited each and every tagline every spoken on The Real Housewives of Cheshire since Ampika Pickston kicked things off with, 'I’m always going to get interest off the opposite sex. I’m like a snake, and when I’m done with you, I’ll discard you,' (followed by a trademark spin obv) and selected the crème de la crème to highlight on Closer online.
So without further ado, we give you the 15 most hilarious Real Housewives of Cheshire taglines of all time.
'When you cross me, you better don’t cross me. Don’t mess with Magali'
Who said it? Magali Gorre
Which season? 1
Okay, so this one's not that hilarious – it's more of an iconic threat. And, to be fair, she was right, messing with Magali is ill-advised.
'People want to be me, I am me'
Who said it? Dawn Ward
Which season? 2
This is what we came for. Dawn Ward setting the precedent from the get go...
'I may have been a lap dancer, but I’m nobody’s lap dog'
Who said it? Leanne Brown
Which season? 2
It's always the double meanings for us. We can't wait to hear what Leanne's tagline is for series 18. Oh, you haven't heard?
'I would die for my kids, if they don’t kill me first'
Who said it? Tanya Bardsley
Which season? 3
Tanya's taglines slayed season after season for not just being pant-wettingly hilarious (if you know you know), but for being painfully relatable.
'When you are a real diamond, you can spot a fake a mile off'
Who said it? Ampika Pickston
Which season? 5
Ampika serving cutting but classic in season 5.
'I don’t mean to be rude, I just am'
Who said it? Lauren Simon
Which season? 5
We'll just say it. This one wins for us hands down and we will be using it all future correspondence professional and personal.
'I’ve got my girls, my gays and my dogs. I don’t need any more bitches'
Who said it? Dawn Ward
Which season? 6
Patter of three, alliteration and a cutting jibe; a winner every time.
'I may have two faces, but they both look fabulous'
Who said it? Lauren Simon
Which season? 6
No, sorry, why hasn't Lauren won an award for these yet?
'I train my dogs to be good. I didn’t know I’d have to train my friends as well'
Who said it? Rachel Lugo
Which season? 7
Rachel's first ever tagline has stuck with us for years and is the main reason we prefer animals over people.
'I’m intolerant to dairy and bitches, so be careful what you serve me'
Who said it? Stacey Forsey
Which season? 7
If Len was still with us, he'd give a 10 for this. We just know it.
'The recipe for a perfect Housewife? Two parts beauty and one part b*tch'
Who said it? Rachel Lugo
Which season? 8
The best thing about this tagline is we can imagine Rachel up at 4am the night before the credits shoot trying to come up with it.
'My husband kicks balls, but I kick ass'
Who said it? Tanya Bardsley
Which season? 8
Again, nothing but facts from Tanya.
'I may be a big bird, but I look incredible in feathers'
Who said it? Ester Dee
Which season? 7
No, our faves are the ones we still don't get years later.
'Friends in Cheshire are like teeth, be true to them or they’ll be false to you'
Who said it? Hanna Kinsella
Which season? 11
This is funny because Hanna is a dentist, you see. They say write about what you know and the same clearly goes for Housewives taglines.
'Sometimes speaking to the dead is easier than talking to the living'
Who said it? Debbie Davies
Which season? 13
As above, this is profession based and as Debbie is world-famous psychic medium, this is still serious slay years later.
'I’ve no problem being called a man eater, but there’s not many left to munch'
Who said it? Lauren Simon
Which season? 14
We hear, Monster Munch has reached out to Lauren for a collab.
'I may not be everybody’s cup of tea, but that’s okay, because I only drink champagne'
Who said it? Lystra Adams
Which season? 15
Anything Lystra Adams says, to be honest. Anything. Audible diamonds every time.
'I’m honest, and if you don’t like that, I honestly don’t care'
Who said it? Nicole Sealey
Which season? 16
The tagline version of a middle finger and in the words of Gemma Collins, we LOVE IT.
'I’m young, pretty and clever, I’d hate me too'
Who said it? Ell Egar
Which season? 17
The newest and youngest Housewife chose chaos and carnage with this line, let's be honest.
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Ben Pulsford is a digital writer for Bauer Media, writing for both Closer online and heatworld. When he's not getting paid to gossip about TOWIE, Love Island and The Real Housewives of Cheshire, he's storming the London LGBTQ+ scene as drag queen, Beary Poppins. Both Ben and Beary are awaiting an invite to join The Real Housewives of Cheshire for series 18. The budget's not there, but the drama is 💅.