Walking into a bridal boutique in Lancashire, Kerry Katona broke down in tears as she admitted she feels she “doesn’t deserve” to be choosing a wedding dress.
Kerry, 40 – who rose to fame as part of girl group Atomic Kitten in the ’90s – had an emotional outburst while taking part in reality show Say Yes To The Dress, amid preparations for her fourth wedding to fiancé Ryan Mahoney, 33, who she gushes is “the most wonderful person I’ve ever met”.
But when Closer catches up with the mum of five a few weeks after filming, she says she has “finally” learned that she does deserve long-lasting happiness.
Kerry tells Closer, “I felt so embarrassed when I first tried on a dress [for the upcoming wedding], I cried. I just didn’t feel like I deserved to enjoy the process of it all.
“It’s not like, when I was young, I thought, ‘When I grow up, I want to be married four times, I want to have five kids with three different men...’ That’s not how I wanted it to be, but now I’m so grateful because I believe all the paths I’ve taken have led me to be here with Ryan.
“Without all those heartaches and bad experiences, I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am today, so everything happens for a reason. You have to let go of the past and be grateful for it.”
But Kerry admits that her troubled relationship history – with three divorces and allegations of controlling behaviour and even domestic violence at the hands of late third husband George Kay – has made it difficult to embrace what she has with Ryan.
She confesses, “I don’t know if Ryan is The One – I’ve had so many ‘The Ones’ I feel like I can’t say that any more! I hope we grow old together but we’ll take each day as it comes.
“I do prod and poke him sometimes to see if I get a reaction, because it’s the way I’ve been conditioned.
“When our Angela died [Kerry’s beloved aunt, who died from alcoholism earlier this year], I was at my mum’s and I kept saying, ‘Why is Ryan not ringing me or making me come home? Does he not love me any more?’ That’s because when my nan died, I was with George and I was only allowed to be there for a day on my own.
“I was never allowed to go anywhere on my own without George. I thought being controlled was being loved – I thought the way men have controlled me is them showing they loved me.”
Celebrating the fact she no longer feels that way, she adds, “Now, finally, I no longer feel like a failure. I realise I do deserve to be happy and in love. For the first time, my relationship with Ryan is just a normal and natural relationship, but I’ve had to learn a lot about myself to reach this point.”
Kerry’s first marriage to Westlife singer Brian McFadden – dad of her two eldest daughters, Molly, 19, and Lilly-Sue, 17 – was an extravagant star-studded ceremony in a castle in Ireland in 2002. They divorced two years later after Kerry was left heartbroken at discovering he’d cheated on her with a stripper on his stag do.
In what Kerry later admitted was a rebound romance – and in the midst of her well-documented battle with drug and alcohol addiction – she married second husband Mark Croft in 2007. She wed the ex-taxi driver – who she claimed was her mum’s drug dealer – in a low-key ceremony at Gretna Green while pregnant with their son Maxwell, now 13. They also share daughter Heidi, 14.
“I only married him because I thought I was going to get the drugs for free. I was at my lowest,” Kerry later revealed.
Her last marriage to childhood friend George Kay came in 2014, and Kerry told the world she had found “the love of [her] life”. The pair welcomed daughter Dylan-Jorge, now seven, just months before their big white wedding at a hotel in Gloucestershire.
But Kerry claimed their marriage was abusive and controlling, recently revealing he would spit in her face, “give [her] a good beating” and threaten to rape her. George died of a drug overdose in 2019.
Check out: Kerry Katona's husbands and boyfriends - where are they now?
Kerry Katona's husbands and boyfriends - where are they now? - slider
Kerry Katona and Brian McFadden
Kerry shot to fame in 1999, as 1/3 of pop band Atomic Kitten. It wasn't long before Kerry was swept into her first high-profile relationship – thanks to a well-timed tour with Irish crooners Westlife.During the tour, Kerry met Brian McFadden. Three months later he asked her to marry him.Shortly after he popped the question, Brian was quoted as saying: "Everything I plan, everything I do, revolves around Kerry. When I wake up in the morning, she's the first person I call."I've written a song about her called Fragile Heart. I write songs for Kerry every day, I get so much emotion thinking about her."It wasn't long before Kerry and Brian welcomed their first child: in August 2001, daughter Molly was born.
Kerry Katona and Brian McFadden
They married in the celebrity wedding of the year in 2002, surrounded by friends, family and a collection of the country's biggest celebrities.Just a year after becoming husband and wife, Kerry and Brian's second daughter, Lily-Sue, was born. But a lavish wedding and two babies weren't enough to keep them together.In 2004 they shocked fans with the announcement of their separation, and to say things didn't end amicably would be an understatement.
Kerry Katona and Brian McFadden
They've both since moved on and Brian admitted to The Irish Sun that his relationship with his ex-wife is the best it has ever been. He explained: "We don't speak about everyday stuff but we do work closely with anything to do with our kids, the same as most separated parents it's always about the kids."Our relationship is the best it has ever been. There are no fights or arguments, it's all good now. It's taken a long time to get there but I'm glad it's like that."
Brian McFadden now
After splitting with Kerry, Brian went on to date Delta Goodrem for seven years, before marrying Vogue Williams in 2011. It was to last though and years after their divorce, he has now moved on to PE teacher Danielle Parkinson.Things appear to be moving in the right direction because after Kerry Katona shared a photo of herself with Danielle, she then told OK! magazine that Brian's new girlfriend is "an absolute diamond".
Kerry Katona and Ziggy aka Zak Lichman
Back in 2007 it was reported that Kerry and Ziggy once dated. A source told Reveal magazine: "Zak loves partying and is a big character on the club scene, so they had a real laugh together. "It didn't last long because Kerry was definitely still on the rebound. She wanted to keep their relationship secret in case she got back together with Brian."However Kez has since denied it, which is a shame because he's fit.
Ziggy aka Zak Lichman now
It's safe to say that long gone are his reality TV days and now Ziggy - who goes by his real name Zac Lichman - is a doorman at a fancy club in the West End.
Kerry Katona and Dan Corsi
Kerry dated Northern Line boyband member Dan Corsi however things didn't work out and they soon split.
Dan Corsi now
Following his days back in the 90s in the boyband Northern Line, Dan is now a DJ.
Kerry Katona and Dave Cunningham
Soon after Kerry was engaged again – this time to Dave Cunningham. However their happiness was short lived, and they split after having huge bust-up in Spain.It was reported at the time that Dave had been seeing his ex-girlfriend behind Kerry's back, leaving her heartbroken.A source told the People: "Because her private life has been made public before, she made a pact not to discuss the split. She is desperately trying to put on a brave face."It's bad enough dealing with a traumatic break-up under normal circumstances never mind dealing with it when you're Kerry Katona."Again it wasn't long before Kerry had found comfort in the arms of a new man.
Dave Cunningham now
Since their split Dave has been pretty M.I.A and despite their breakup it seemed that Kerry was still fond of him. She explained to Closer magazine how close he was to her daughters Molly and Lilly-Sue: "I don't know what Brian's doing from one day to the next - the girls hardly see him."They'd started to call Dave dad. He's so wonderful to the girls. He's been a dad to them and done so many amazing things because their dad isn't around."
Kerry Katona and Mark Croft
Kerry and taxi driver Mark Croft married on Valentine's Day 2007. But their marriage was a controversial one – during their time together, Kerry, who was once worth an estimated £6.8 million, was declared bankrupt.Mark and Kerry have two children together, daughter Heidi and son Maxwell.
Kerry Katona and Mark Croft
It was also during her marriage to Mark that Kerry made her infamous This Morning appearance, when her slurring and erratic behaviour sparked concern with host Phillip Schofield and with viewers.Later it was revealed that Kerry was battling a cocaine addiction, and she's since admitted that she'd go on 'three-day coke binges' with Mark.She said: "I hated my life. I'd lie in bed for three days in a row doing cocaine with Mark. We did coke in our en suite and had a lock on the door. The kids knew if the bathroom door was locked they mustn't come in."
Kerry Katona and Mark Croft
Kerry and Mark split in 2010, two years after she was declared bankrupt, and he later publicly admitted he 'bled her dry'.During an interview with the Daily Star, Kerry confessed she'd almost ended her life while married to Mark.But, she says having the names of her eldest daughters tattooed on her wrists stopped her, as it stopped her from self-harming."If I was ever to do that it would mean cutting through my kids' names. And what a selfish mother I would be to do that. Like any mother, my first love and priority are my children, above everything and everybody."
Kerry Katona and Mark Croft
Following her split from Mark, Kerry attempted to rebuild her media career and avoided high profile relationships for a few years.Kez has recently admitted that just days before she accepted Mark's proposal she begged ex-husband Brian McFadden to take her back. She's said the only reason she married her second husband was because he was her mum's drug dealer and she "thought she was going to get drugs for free."
Mark Croft now
Where is Mark Croft you ask? Well that's a pretty good question actually. Back in 2015 he was caught 'running a £50,000 cannabis farm' but since then he has fallen off the grid.
Kerry Katona and Steve Alce
It seemed things were great between Kerry and Steve Alce after she told Closer magazine: "'I've never felt such love from somebody in my life. Steve is so perfect and I cant believe how lucky I am."We had an amazing time in Dubai but, after two messy marriages, I'm not desperate to get hitched again."But I'd never say never - Steve recently moved in and I finally feel so happy. We get on so well."However a month later she broke up with him. A source told The Sunday People: "She has made her mind up and Steve's pretty gutted. She is a party girl and loves being outrageous whereas he is a gentlemen."Kerry was smitten at first, she loved that he wasn't interested in all the celebrity glitz and glamour."Since then Steve has continued with his career as an artist.
Kerry Katona and George Kay
But in 2013 she met ex-rugby player George Kay, and it wasn't long before she gave birth to their first daughter together, Dylan-Jorge.George proposed to Kerry at the top of the Blackpool Tower in April 2013, and the got married in September 2014.
Kerry Katona George Kay
However shortly before their nuptials, George was detained under the Mental Health Act after having a 'breakdown' outside their home.At the time neighbours said he was 'running in and out of cars' and screaming "Kerry, they're going to f--king kill me. They are hitting me with a hammer."
Kerry Katona George Kay
Just two months after the wedding, it was reported Kerry and George were already on the rocks, and he himself admitted to Closer that marriage to Kerry 'isn't what he thought it would be'.Their marriage was rocked once again in June, when George was hospitalised with 'signs of a stroke'.According to reports, George's behaviour became too much for Kerry to cope with and the couple briefly split.Soon after they seemed to be firmly back on track, with them renewing their wedding vows to 'save the relationship'.
Kerry Katona George Kay
Following a turbulent and alleged violent relationship, George and Kerry wasn't to last and in June 2017 the pair announced they'd split for the final time. Since then, Kerry has revealed she used to drink three BOTTLES of Cava a night during her marriage to George.
George Kay now
Months after serving Kerry Katona with divorce papers, George moved on and begandating Miss Manchester pageant winner Fatime Gashi.George sadly passed away in July 2019 aged 39.
Kerry Katona and James Englgish
Just a few months after her split with her third husband, Kerry moved on to stand up comedian James English. Things got slightly bizarre when he spoke out about their relationship in an interview and said he's "using her" for fame, before describing her as "f--ked up".Riiight.A few months after confirming their relationship, Kerry deleted all traces of James on Instagram and announced they'd split by writing a quote about single life.
James English now
The former Glow star has since launched his own podcast called Anything Goes.
Kerry Katona single
Following her not-so-good-luck with me, Kerry Katona started 2018 single and with an INCREDIBLE body. An insider told Closer magazinethat the mum-of-five is happy being single. They explained: "Kerry has always hopped from one relationship to the next, but something has changed and she's now comfortable without a man. "She doesn't want just anyone - she says she'd rather hold out for someone decent, who respects her and can take care of her and the kids. She's learned her lessons from the past."Go Kerry!
Kerry Katona and Ryan Mahoney
In July 2018, Kerry told her Instagram followers that she was "officially spoken for". Her hunky new beau was fitness instructor Ryan Mahoney. The good looking pair apparently met on dating app Bumble.
Ryan Mahoney
Ryan and Kerry split in October 2018 following a make-or-break holiday in Thailand. Kerry had posted a selfie of her and a fit looking Ryan days after ranting about "fat" Brian McFadden . They reconciled following Kerry's appearance on Celebs Go Dating in 2019.
Now, Kerry insists her fourth wedding to personal trainer Ryan – whom she met three years ago on dating app Bumble – will be a low-key affair, with only her children present. While they have yet to set a date, the pair will tie the knot in Las Vegas.
She says, “This isn’t a party – it’s a marriage! I could never imagine Ryan having a first dance in front of people. He’d be mortified as he doesn’t like being the centre of attention… He’s not like me! There will be no bridesmaids and I’ll walk myself down the aisle.”
In recent years, the star has undergone a huge transformation, ditching alcohol binges and yo-yo dieting for healthy eating and exercise.
Kerry – who has dropped from a size 14 to an 8, and last week revealed she’d had a boob reduction and liposuction after putting on weight during lockdown – has also found Christianity and is training to be a life coach.
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She says she’s “recovering well” after having her 36EE boobs reduced, and recently revealedher sexy new image had helped her to earn her first £1m on X-rated website OnlyFans since her 2008 bankruptcy – allowing her to start her own clothing business and send daughter Dylan-Jorge to private school.
Kerry’s racy, members-only profile has received backlash from fans, but she says, “I show a bit of nipple and it’s the end of the world. If you’re an A-lister you can do all of that and more in films, but not me, I’m a Z-lister and a mother!”
And planning for the future, she’s frozen her eggs in case Ryan wants a baby one day – but adds they’re in no rush. She says, “I feel I don’t want to take that away from Ryan. Although he says he’s not fussed right now, he says it would be nice eventually.
“For now, though, I couldn’t think of anything worse than having more children – I’m just finally very happy as I am!”