DATING ADVICE: What to do when they haven’t messaged

Woman with phone

by Rebecca Twomey |
Updated on

Closer’s dating expert, Rebecca Twomey, addresses the painful process of getting in contact with someone when you’ve been waiting for them to message first

To message or not to message? That’s the question constantly on my mind as an eternal singleton. In fact, almost daily I have to ask myself if I should be the first one to message a guy on a dating app, or to follow up on that great date I had a week ago, or shudder, to message the guy who ghosted me.

Almost always the answer is a resounding ‘No’, because I chicken out from sending a message first, fearful of being rejected once again. But it’s high time I stopped this self-perpetuating attitude.

Just because I’ve put myself out there before and it’s not gone my way time and time again, is no real excuse not to try again. And every so often, when you really like someone, you just can’t resist getting their attention, and why shouldn’t you?

A friend had been on a fab date with a guy, she hadn’t heard back in a week and asked my advice. Fresh from my own failures, when I’d been on two great dates with someone who rarely messaged inbetween then ignored my last text, I told her to wait it out for him to get in contact but after two weeks to admit defeat.

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Jack Fincham and Dani Dyer

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Susanna Reid and Steven Parish

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Couple on date
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She – like I have many a time – wanted him to be the one ‘to chase’ or to give her a sign he was interested and asked how she could guarantee a response from him. So if she really wanted to get his attention then I have a simple solution…

I prefer a passive ‘hook move’ playing the art of an innocent nudge without actually putting yourself out there. Changing your Whats App profile picture usually ignites a response (mainly from ghosters who like to get back in touch), or posting a picture on social media of you looking great and having fun.

Although you could send a ‘hook text’, ‘I just walked past your twin?,’ Or a silly meme, or something cheeky. Something that doesn’t require too much effort on their part, that’s cool and casual.

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But the issue is, now you’ve got their attention again, how do you keep it? I’m not confident you can. It’s probably best to ask yourself why you’re chasing someone who clearly isn’t putting the right effort in for you. I think we should all hold out for someone who isn’t afraid to chase you.

And the absolute almost guaranteed way to get them to instigate conversation again is to ignore them entirely, not to get in touch for so long that they finally crack and message first.

However, usually around that time you’ve got over them

For more dating tips from Rebecca, follow her on Twitter @rebeccatwomey_

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