Yesterday, medical workers on Reddit were asked their most “OMG what is that?” moment.
The doctors, nurses and care workers responded with some of the most awful, hilarious and disgusting stories we've ever heard. Ever.
If you're feeling brave, or love this kind of thing, then they're well worth a read. To help you along the way, we've included links to some of our cutest animal stories - just in case you need a breather.
Sick bags at the ready, gore-seekers!Courtesy of Reddit user Mavadere, here's a really, really, REALLY bad dildo story:
"Couple wanted to make perfect/custom dildo for guys butt so they put a condom in and fill the condom with cement. Condom breaks and almost a foot of his intestines has to be removed."
Make those bad feelings go away by checking out our cutest animal facts of all time (it includes some really lovely stuff about elephants and their babies)
Reddit user ManiacDan would like to share a tale of coke bottles and orgasms with us all...
*"A friend of mine used to be an EMT. He was called to a doctor's house one evening. The doctor brought him to the kitchen table, where his 16 year old daughter was laid back, still in her cheerleader uniform.
"The doctor lifted the skirt to reveal this very same kind of coke bottle, stuck inside the young girl. My friend was informed that the hospital was absolutely out of the question, nobody would ever know about this lest it ruin the doctor's reputation in this wholesome Southern Baptist town.
"So my friend had to relieve the suction somehow, without harming the girl or forcing a trip to the hospital. The only way to do this was to drill holes in the bottle, very slowly, without letting the bottle crack or shatter.
"So he wrapped rubber bands around the bottle, as many as they had. Then he got the doctor's drill, sat down at their kitchen table, and began to work.
"The plan was a good one, except for one thing: The vibration of the drill started causing this young cheerleader to orgasm. Again, and again, and again…. with her parents watching."*
It's an ugly world, isn't it? Make yourself feel better by looking at all of the ugly animals that we actually think are really, really cute. Like baby rats.
*This little gem from Reddit's DearyMe is... well, it'sbad. Really bad.
As in, 70-years-worth-of-menstrual-blood bad.
*"A 70-something year old woman came into hospital with extreme abdominal/vaginal pains. So they first did a physical exam by pushing thier fingers into her vagina to see if anything wasn't right inside.
"Well, as he pushed his fingers through, they stopped at a wall just a centimetre or 2 within. He was so confused to why the depth of her vagina was so small. They other 2 doctors also examined and were just as confused. The ended up doing an X-ray and it showed that her uterus was the size of a freaking BASKETBALL!
"It turns out that every period she's ever had has been stored in her uterus. They evidently had to cut it open, but when they did, 70 years worth of period blood came gushing out like explosive diarrhoea. The room was filled with black, brown, stale period blood and the smell was apparently incomprehensible.
"They spent a solid time throwing up after that."*
WE KNOW, WE'RE SORRY! Take a moment to forget about that particularly horrible story and take a gander at this very LOVELY story, all about how a Labrador dog adopts an abandoned kitten...
Reddit user svinch has officially given us the worst pregnancy story ever. Ever.
"I was delivering my first baby. It was an older lady from the rural sir of town. When I asked her to push as the baby had fully crowned, a wad of worms exited her anus. I'm talking at least 60 live worms."
We just... we just can't. Let's all just kick back and watch this baby gorilla enjoy her birthday cake for a bit, okay?
We never thought a story about a sponge could be so bad. Thanks a lot, Reddit's BasedOnContent...
*"As part of my training to be a Rape Crisis Counselor, a doctor came in to give a presentation about STDs and STIs. Somehow he veered off the main topic and starts telling us about the things he's seen in his time. *
*"A female patient came in complaining of extreme abdominal pains. The patient disclosed that she was a prostitute. The patient further disclosed that in order to continue working while she was on her period, she would put a sponge as close to her cervix as possible to absorb the blood and other menstrual-related discharge. *
"The patient then explained that she had inserted a sponge and was unable to remove it.
*"The doctor figured it would be a routine matter of removing a foreign object that had become lodged or stuck and takes the patient into an exam room to perform the extraction. *
*"When the doctor went to remove the sponge, it turns out that the patient had been using a CAR WASHING SPONGE to absorb her menstrual discharge and that the same sponge had been in her vagina for THREE MONTHS. *
"When the doctor finally managed to remove the car sponge, which had turned into black, semi-solidified mass due to excess absorption of nastiness, it also released a torrent of fluids that had been marinating in this woman's vagina for three months and the fluids "gushed out" and nearly covered the entire floor of the exam room."
OH NO WE DID NOT JUST READ THAT!!! Quick, watch this video about a puppy and his best friend, the Budweiser horse. Do it.
You still want more? This one, courtesy of Reddit's BanzaiPanda, is the most grim and most terrible tale we've ever had the courtesy to read...
*"Unbeknownst to us, the infection had actually tunneled nearly a foot into her abdomen, creating a vast cavern full of pus, rotten tissue, and fecal matter that had seeped outside of her colon. This godforsaken mixture came rocketing out of that little incision like we were recreating the funeral scene from Jane Austen's "Mafia!".
"We all wear waterproof gowns, face masks, gloves, hats, the works — all of which were as helpful was rainboots against a firehose. The bed was in the middle of the room, an easy seven feet from the nearest wall, but by the time we were done, I was still finding bits of rotten flesh pasted against the back wall.
"As the surgeon continued to advance his blade, the torrent just continued. The patient kept seizing against the ventilator (not uncommon in surgery), and with every muscle contraction, she shot more of this brackish gray-brown fluid out onto the floor until, within minutes, it was seeping into the other nurse's shoes.
"I was nearly twelve feet away, jaw dropped open within my surgical mask, watching the second nurse dry-heaving and the surgeon standing on tip-toes to keep this stuff from soaking his socks any further.
"The smell hit them first.
"'Oh god, I just threw up in my mask!'
"The other nurse was out, she tore off her mask and sprinted out of the room, shoulders still heaving. Then it hit me, mouth still wide open, not able to believe the volume of fluid this woman's body contained. It was like getting a great big bite of the despair and apathy that permeated this woman's life.
"I couldn't f**king breath, my lungs simply refused to pull anymore of that stuff in. The anesthesiologist went down next, an ex-NCAA D1 tailback, his six-foot-two frame shaking as he threw open the door to the OR suite in an attempt to get more air in, letting me glimpse the second nurse still throwing up in the sinks outside the door."*
We're done. No more now. Please, no more now.