Mother’s Day: How to cope after miscarriage or stillbirth

Mothers day after stillbirth or miscarriage

by Kayleigh Dray |
Updated on

We give you advice on how to cope and grieve this Mother's Day

If you have suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth, you are still a mother...

From the moment you saw that positive pregnancy test, you loved your baby - and you carried your precious little one with you. You began imagining their future, and dreaming about who they would become, and planning your life together.

And, while the time you were pregnant or the time that you had with your baby was far too short, it is important to remember that you loved your little one for their whole life.

You were, and always will be, their mother.

So it is understandable that Mother’s Day will be a particularly difficult and heartbreaking day for you.

READ: 10 beautiful stillbirth & miscarriage poems

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Stillbirth and miscarriage poems - slider

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1) Precious Little One

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2) An Angel Never Dies

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3) A Million Times

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4) I'll Be There

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5) Silent Child, by Kelly Lancor

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6) Today Was The Day

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7) These Are My Footprints, by Tamara Barker

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8) Angel Of My Tears

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9) Oh Precious, Tiny, Sweet Little One

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10) The Moment You Left Me

Unlike many other mothers, you will not be able to hold your child in your arms on this special day - and some of your friends and family may feel it is inappropriate to reach out to you, or talk to you about how you are feeling, on this day.

Jules Robertson, Midwife for Tommy’s Information Service, explains: “Every woman who has experienced the devastating loss of a baby in pregnancy or at birth will react in different ways, but many appreciate the chance to talk about their baby and find there is no space or right time to do this.

“There is no right or wrong way to grieve; grief is, of course, deeply personal, but for many women who have lost their baby, we understand that Mother’s Day can be a particularly painful and heart-breaking time.”

She continues: “However we would say to women who have lost a baby that they have earned their right to recognise and celebrate Mother’s Day if they want to – whether or not they have had other children.

“You are still mothers, and we encourage you to embrace this day and allow themselves to remember their baby in a way they feel comfortable with.”

How to remember your baby on Mother’s Day

There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. If you want to cry, or be alone, or go out with friends, you must do what’s right for you - but don’t ever put pressure on yourself to feel or act a certain way.

How to help someone on Mother's Day after a stillbirth, miscarriage or infant death

If you have a friend or family member who has lost a baby, please reach out to her on Mother’s Day.

Sarah Muthler explains on Seleni.org: “Ask the mom how she will spend Mother's Day. This gives her a chance to say whether she prefers to ignore the day or be quietly honoured. One of the greatest gifts for me is when others acknowledge that I continue to be Genevieve's mom.

“Rather than a Mother's Day card, a blank card with a simple message fits perfectly - ‘I was thinking about you and Genevieve because it's Mother's Day’.

She continues: “It's good to hear other people say that they wish my daughter were here and know that I'm not alone in missing her. I'm always grateful for the chance to talk about her.

"Most women get to talk about their children every single day. Those of us who have lost babies seldom do, even though we too think of our children every day.”

You can show someone you are thinking of them in many ways. You can send a card or message, visit them to talk about their baby on Mother's day, say their child's name aloud, take them out to a park or quiet place for reflection, offer to take them to place flowers on their baby's special place and always remember to ask how they are feeling.

You can find more advice and support on the Tommy’s website.

Tommy's is a charity that funds medical research into miscarriage, stillbirth and premature birth.

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What are cuddle cots? Help with easing the heartbreak of losing a baby

Stillbirth: How to help someone who has lost a baby

Tragically, 10 stillbirths are registered every day in the UK - but now, special cuddle cots are helping families cope with their devastating loss.

A cuddle cot is a cooling pad which can be inserted into any type of baby bed – from Moses baskets to carry-cots, prams to cots – to allow the families of babies who have passed away time to grieve.

When babies pass away in hospital, their bodies are normally taken to the hospital morgue straight away, but a cuddle cot – also known as a cold cot – allows the parents to spend time with their babies and bond with them as it slows down the natural changes in their body after death.

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