She’s just marked the two-year anniversary of her daughter Lorena’s passing after she tragically died just minutes after birth, despite doctors battling to save her. And as Lauren Goodger candidly reflects on her heartbreaking loss, she says her pain and grief feel “just as raw” today.
The TOWIE star, who is also mum to two-year old daughter, Larose, with ex-partner Charles Drury, had her world fall apart when she received the devastating news that Lorena’s umbilical cord became caught around her neck during labour. “It was absolutely awful to come home without my baby and it still is,” Lauren tells Closer.
“People said time would be a healer but it’s the opposite. It’s harder now because reality has set in. My brain is only just understanding that I’ve lost my baby whereas at the beginning I was on autopilot. When I watch Larose playing alone in the garden, that’s when it hurts the most – Lorena should be there with her.”
She adds, “It’s a very emotional time, next week is Larose’s birthday, so while I’m grieving, I also have to organise her party, when really, I should be planning for them both. I have to carry on for Larose. She’s too young to understand but she knows of Lorena, and the other day she said ‘my sister’ which gave me chills. I’ve got a plaque of Lorena’s name on the wall, a cast of her hand and feet, and even a bit of her hair that I keep with me. It’s hard, but I love talking about her because it keeps her alive.”
Months before her loss, Lauren split from Charles amid cheating allegations, which he denied, and he was recently cleared in court of assaulting her on the day of Lorena’s funeral. And just days before Lorena passed, Lauren was hit with the news her ex-partner of five years, Jake Mclean, had died in a car crash. With so much to contend with, Lauren believes the trauma has left her with PTSD.
Lauren says, “When I got home from hospital it was very surreal, my family packed away some of Lorena’s belongings in the annexe, so they were out of sight and I don’t even remember what I did with the rest, it’s all a blur. All I know is, I was obsessed with making sure everything was normal for Larose – I didn’t want her to know any different. I was in complete mum mode, getting up at 5am and going to bed at 7pm. I was in shock, but my body was numb; I was barely eating and lost so much weight. I was too strong and just carrying on – but now I’m feeling it.”
She adds, “I’ve 100% got PTSD bad and it will be with me for a long time. I’ve never suffered with depression, but I have therapy for health anxiety. I worry the worst is going to happen because I’ve already experienced a loss.”
The star has also cut out alcohol and says the gym has become her “medicine”. “I haven’t been drunk in years; it doesn’t interest me and makes anxiety and panic attacks worse. Even when I’m filming TOWIE everyone around me is having a drink, and they know I’ll just have a sparkling water or a cup of tea. I train most days and I feel so much better in myself inside and outside, the TOWIE producers said to me the other day, ‘Oh my god – you’ve shrunk!’”
While loved ones rallied around Lauren at first, she’s felt their absence in recent times, but vows to remain strong for Larose. She says, “Everyone is there at the beginning, they stay over and bring food, but as times goes on, they disappear – I’ve never felt so lonely in my life. My family are good people, but they’re not there for me.
“Recently, Larose had two viruses in a short space of time, yet not one person came to see her while we were in hospital. At one point, I hadn’t slept for three nights because her temperature was on fire, and she was throwing up. It was 4am and I thought, ‘I can’t do this on my own’, I struggle with being completely by myself and it’s now that I need people. I’ve had to adapt and in front of Larose, I’m a strong, independent single mum. She’s my biggest motivation to keep going – she’s an active, amazing, clever little girl.”
But despite facing turbulent times, Lauren remains determined to find happiness again and have another baby. Though she’s been celibate for some time, she says she’s not been short of admirers.
“I’d love to have more kids, get married and have that family unit. I’ve not slept with anyone since Larose’s dad. I could if I wanted to, but I don’t socialise, other than going to the gym. I get asked out a lot, people message me on social media, even in the gym the other day someone came up to me, but I’m just not there yet – I’m still working on me and I won’t rush it.”
