Posing for the paparazzi on the red carpet at last year’s National Television Awards, Andrea McLean oozed glamour in her sleek black trouser suit. But behind her glossy facade, the Loose Women presenter was in turmoil. She was in the midst of a devastating emotional breakdown which, at her lowest point, left her feeling suicidal.
Speaking softly, she tells Closer, “The NTAs are such a joy, but that year I could barely face the noise or laughter. I cried all the way to my hotel, where I’d booked a room to get ready, then I did a few photos on the red carpet before walking away. Afterwards, I sobbed all the way home. I felt like I was short-circuiting.”
Until now, Andrea has kept what happened last year under wraps. But she’s bravely revealing the true extent of her breakdown in her new book, This Girl Is On Fire. Part-memoir and part self-help, it’s a heartrending and inspiring read that lays bare just how helpless she felt.
“Writing the book has been terrifying, this is the most raw and vulnerable I’ve ever been,” she admits. “During my breakdown, there was more than one occasion where I laid on the floor in tears, feeling suicidal. It was my love for my children [Finlay, 18, and Amy, 13] that kept me going.”
Andrea’s breakdown was triggered when she appeared on Channel 4 TV show SAS: Who Dares Wins two year ago. During the gruelling two-week stint in Chile, she was made to physically fight her team mates and collapsed with hypothermia. But it was being forced to march with a black cotton bag over her head that proved the final straw. When it was whipped off, she found herself staring into the eyes of an instructor and, suddenly, memories of an abusive relationship that she’d experienced in the past came flooding back.
Check out: a look inside Katie Price's HUGE country home
Katie Price's HUGE country home SLIDER
1 of 31Katie Price's country home
A birds-eye view of Katie's country mansion and expansive fleet of cars. Sadly, you can't see her jeep that was famously removed from eBay after £66k in bids.
2 of 31Katie Price's country home
And the back of Katie's country home looks EVEN bigger up close. Her expansive tudor-style mansion is set on a plot of large land in the sussex countryside.
3 of 31Front door
Before jetting off to Thailand for a winter break, Katie posed by her front door with her Louis Vuitton luggage - no rush to the airport, eh Katie?
4 of 31Entrance
Fans were shocked at the mess when Katie Price let Keith Lemon give a tour round her home - with some even slating her for living like a pig - but it looks like the Pricey has bought an even pricier cleaner to get the place looking a lot tidier.
5 of 31Entrance
Katie squeezes a shameless mirror selfie into her schedule before jetting off to Thailand for a relaxing break. The former glamour model's shoes on the cream carpet is giving us the heebie-jeebies.
6 of 31Hallway
Katie's home may be decked head to toe in glitter, silver ornaments and crushed velvet furnishings, but it looks like the mum of five has chosen to keep some of the original features - like these solid oak doors.
7 of 31Photographs
Speaking of the silver ornaments, let's take a look at the decor that lines Katie's side tables and shelves. This sweet snap in black and white is our fave.
8 of 31Decor
And there are plenty more cute family snaps. This one gets all of the kids into one picture without any funny faces or any painful attempts to capture awkward 'cheese' smiles.
9 of 31Decor
Not that we can smell through the photo, but those room diffusers just look like they would smell nice, right? Katie opts for a metallic and monochrome theme throughout.
10 of 31Decor
Nothing spruces up the home more than flowers - this beautiful bunch even made it to Katie's Instagram feed. Valentine's present or just a gift to herself? Either way, they're GORGEOUS.
11 of 31Living room
How cute is little Bunny in this living room snap? Behind her is a huge fireplace and even bigger (and a rather fancy-looking) TV.
12 of 31Living room
It's fair to say the living room is pretty grand - and it needs to be big to fit all five kids in at the same time. Check out that glitzy light fitting...
13 of 31Living room
No chill-out night on the sofa is complete with matching dressing gowns with the whole family. And no cheesy family photoshoot is complete without a descending height-order pic. Obviously.
14 of 31Living room
Talking to the camera on her reality series for Quest channel, Katie sits comfortably on a silver (of course) armchair.
15 of 31Kitchen
Another shot from Katie's kitchen and her sparkly silver wall in the background.
16 of 31Kitchen
Katie is feeding her dogs in this candid snap. Who else remembers when her prized puppies escaped for a THIRD time in one month... oops.
17 of 31Kitchen
And the sparkly wallpaper continues... Katie Price gave fans a glimpse into the makeover of her home when she shared swatches of her favourite glittery wallpapers back in 2015.
18 of 31Master bedroom
Katie's master bedroom is pretty impressive... the king size bed, the sparkling light fitting, the copious amount of crushed velvet...
19 of 31Master bedroom
Let's taker a closer look at THAT silver light fitting. On this occassion we've been made speechless... ther'es just so much glamour. WHY?
20 of 31Master bedroom
Katie's gigantic bed looks pretty plush with the rows of countless cushions, opulent throw and glamorous headboard. With all of those cushions, we dread to think how long it takes to make the bed in the morning.
21 of 31Master bedroom
On each side of Katie's extravagant bed is an equally as fancy side table and matching lampshades. Because when your house is this glamorous, why not?
22 of 31Master bedroom
Not stopping at the traditional bedroom furniture, Katie has a crushed velvet sofa underneath the bay window in her bedroom. Oh, and a huge TV.
23 of 31Master bedroom
Her big brood may have free roam of the 9 bedroom house, but it looks like this is Katie's calm corner. Although saying that, she has previously admitted that Jett and Bunny are regulars at her dressing table - not to mention Princess, who has come under fire for her makeup selfies.
24 of 31Guest bedroom
Katie's marriage with Kieran came to a very final and bitter end on Katie's reality show, and producers even captured Kieran walking out the door - quite literally.
25 of 31Guest bedroom
Katie fools around with her beloved mum, Amy in the guest bedroom. The mother and daughter prove that family can be bestfriends, too.
26 of 31Kids bedroom
Now onto the kids' bedrooms... have you ever seen anything quite like this? We never thought we'd be putting chandelier and giant lego into the same sentence, but here we are.
27 of 31Kids bedroom
And this palatial pink bedroom for one of Katie's brood puts her swanky master bedroom to shame.
28 of 31Hot tub
Yes, she has a massive hot tub in her garden. Jett and Bunny are lucky enough to have the huge tub to play in in this adorable photo.
29 of 31Garden
Katie Price shocked fans yet again on social media in 2017 with the size of her back garden - and it's no wonder. Just wait until you see the horse roaming around...
30 of 31Garden
Nothing to see here.... just Katie sunbathing in a deck chair. Oh, yeah, and a horse roaming around on the lawn. As we said, nothing unusual here...
31 of 31Garage
Despite ditching her luxury cars for caravans at the end of 2018, it looks like Katie has still kept some of her impressive fleet. Here she poses in front of one of her many vehicles.
“I’d put everything I’d experienced in a box, but suddenly it was like I was back there,” she says. “Instead of seeing the instructor’s face, I was seeing another person’s face. He seemed to hate my soul and really specific events went bang in my head. I’ve had people say terrible things to me in the past. I’ve been told I am worthless, stupid, talentless and ugly, and if someone drip-feeds that into your consciousness, the plucky girl you once were completely disappears.
“When I returned home in October 2018, I looked the same but I felt like my nerves had been cut. I kept thinking ‘pull yourself together,’ but I was so anxious and overwhelmed that I got into a spiral of negativity. I couldn’t see any good in the world, and I felt so angry. I started throwing up, purely from stress, and every bit of my body hurt – even my teeth. My brain felt like it was starting to shut down and that Christmas I totally fell apart. I remember lying on the floor at home, crying. My husband, Nick, didn’t know what to do.”
Realising she desperately needed professional help, Andrea spoke to her GP, who prescribed beta-blockers to ease her anxiety. Then, last autumn, she started having talking therapy and also CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), which gave her practical coping techniques for when she felt overwhelmed. Out of support Nick, 50, joined some of the sessions, too.
“The talking therapy helped massively,” she says. “I was saying things I’ve never said out loud, and the therapist made me realise that what I’d experienced to cause the flashbacks was horrific.
“The CBT was incredible, too. I did it over WhatsApp video and in the first session I sobbed so much I looked like Alice Cooper, with mascara running down my face! Afterwards I felt exhausted and I slept, but the next session left me euphoric. It helped me understand why I’d accepted certain behaviours and not fought back.”
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It’s been a gradual process, but after two months of therapy, Andrea felt a shift in her emotional and mental health. And now, she’s off medication and proud of how far she’s come. So much so that she spent lockdown penning her book.
“I don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed,” she rightly says. “I’m proud of how strong I’ve been and publishing the book feels like a release.
I’m really open about the dark thoughts I’ve had. If people sneer, I’m not interested in trying to please them.
“Two years ago, I thought I’d never feel happy again but, now, whenever something lovely happens, I thank myself for keeping going. Even when I take my dog, Teddy, for a walk and I see his little ears flapping, I think, ‘You would have missed this.’ And if I have a bad day, I know I can cope with it. After all, I’ve come through much worse.”
This Girl Is On Fire, by Andrea McLean, is published by Hay House UK, £12.99.
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