A victim of domestic violence recently made headlines when she spoke up about the emotional and physical abuse she had received at the hands of her partner.
She had evidence of the abuse, and no reason to speak out about what had happened to her - other than wanting to encourage other men and women in her position to speak up.
But, horrifyingly, she has been slammed on social media, with many women labelling her as an ‘attention-seeking slut’.
“She provoked him.”
****“She’s jealous of his new relationship.”
“She needs to get over it.”
“She’s just as bad as he is.”
Seriously?
By finding something wrong with the victim - and, in doing so, finding a reason for her abuser’s behaviour – is it easier for you to believe you are safe from abuse?
Just like the ‘don’t wear a short skirt if you don’t want to get raped’ argument. that's outdated, ridiculous, and it completely misses the point. We shouldn’t be advising people on how best to avoid being raped or abused - we should be telling people NOT to commit the crime in the first place.
There is never an excuse for domestic violence.
Nobody deserves to be hit, or bullied, or humiliated by their partner. And nobody deserves to be ripped apart by the general public, all searching for that one flaw that made it okay for their boyfriend to threaten them with a knife.
“So why didn’t you just leave him then?”
I have a much more important question; why would you ever presume that you have the right to judge and interrogate a domestic abuse victim like this? Is there any answer that can justify her abuser’s actions?
There is never an excuse for domestic violence, but for the sake of argument, let me tell you the answer to the question you all seem so intent on asking.
“Why didn’t you just leave him?”
It’s because, without the right support, an abuser intent on controlling every single aspect of your life won’t just stand aside and let you walk away.
They drain you of your strength, of your self-worth, of your confidence, and of your energy. They separate you from your friends and your loved ones, making it harder than ever to speak up, to find support, to get the help you so desperately need.
They make you feel like nothing.
And when we, as the outsiders, start questioning domestic abuse victims like this, we’re not only supporting the actions of abusive men and women everywhere, but we’re also helping them to abuse their victims.
Again, and again, and again.
By engaging in victim-blaming attitudes, you may as well be the one rubbing his bruised fist and saying “she pushed me to it”. Because, with your attitude, you have revealed to the world that you think it is the victim’s fault that they were abused.
It is NEVER the victim’s fault or responsibility to fix the situation; it is the choice of their abuser.
***So stop asking why they were with him in the first place. Stop saying that they probably deserved it, or that they are attention-seeking, or that they need to ‘get over it’. ***
***Stop blaming victims of domestic violence. ***