Mummy blogger Gylisa Jayne has shared a hilarious list of pre-natal classes she wished were on offer...
We love a good mummy blogger here at Closer Online.
Not only do they offer real-life helpful advice from someone who knows and has been there before, but they're quite often absolutely hilarious.
It can be quite refreshing to see someone on Facebook who is completely, brutally honest about how hard parenthood can be at times - and it definitely makes us feel like we're not on our own.
Gylisa Jayne is one of those that we keep an eye on, and her latest post will not disappoint!
Her fans love her for her sarcastic wit - particularly with her upfront post about the cost of prams.
In this newest one, she lists the names of some pre-natal classes that she really could have done with before becoming a mum.
But we're not sure these will becoming available anytime soon...
She started off by wishing she'd learnt how to ignore busybodies: "Lesson 1 - How to politely accept a stranger's incorrect advice. Two weeks of training your face from a blatant grimace, to one of serene acceptance. Dickheads are the second constant of life, I'm afraid.
"Homework: Practise your serenity by not using your mind to stab people that ask you questions. 'You not had it yet?!', 'Get your sleep NOW, you'll never sleep again', 'Don't you know what you're in for...?' Etc etc."
Gylisa, a mum-of-one, then suggested changing your Facebook settings to stop other people having their own input: "Lesson 2 - How to change your Facebook settings to private, so inconsiderate family members cannot announce any part of your journey to the world BEFORE YOU DO.
"We are doing all the hard work, growing this babe - do NOT take any of the small joys away from us."
The 24-year-old then got real about what you ACTUALLY need for your hospital bag - and why: "Lesson 3 - The Art of Hospital Bag packing, followed by - the reality of what is going to happen to those knickers you packed. Freebies include - washing powder that works on blood, tissues for random crying and a menu for the local takeaway. Because f*ck cooking when your fanny feels like roadkill."
HA. Wowza.
She continued - and this bit is REALLY NSFW: "Lesson 4 - Great Swear Words To Use In Labour, points for creating your own, and making one long word from several. 'AssTitsWankFuckBitchShitC*nt' was a fave of mine, as well as, 'Ow you Bastard-Bitch'.
"Followed by 'Design your own, sorry Midwife, I didn't mean it' Cards. To be sent anytime from a day, to three years after birth. I'm sure they'll remember you."
Hey - that's not a half-bad idea.
Posting the list alongside a photo of her feet and a cute little pair of baby feet sat on her doorstep, she added: "Lesson 5 - Mindfulness. A whole hour dedicated to doing absolutely nothing useful, but calling it mindfulness so we don't look lazy. This hour will be thought about A LOT once baby departs from womb and follows you everywhere. Including the doorstep for your five minute bit of vitamin D everyday."
Gylisa then becomes a little serious with her last commandment: "Lesson 6 - Affirmations. No I'm actually serious with this one, every new mum, first time mum, second, third fourth - every mum that had a bad experience, every mum that is nervous. ALL OF THEM. Need to be told before going into this, that they can do it.
"They are strong they are amazing. They should trust themselves to do it, they shouldn't feel shame if things change. Birth is amazing, not something to fear."
She ends the post by hilariously suggesting that her readers forward the list onto the NHS for consideration... Hmm, we're not sure it would go down that well!
Are you a fan of Gylisa Jayne? Do you agree with her list of new pre-natal classes? Do you have any to add? Let us know over on Facebook and Twitter.
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