Samantha shockingly drank throughout her first pregnancy, regularly downing shots and pints of strong lager.
As new research shows, drinking during pregnancy causes around 7000 babies a year to suffer from behavioural or developmental problems, Samantha tells Closer how her son is paying the price of her drinking.
At the height of her addiction, Samantha regularly guzzled up to 16.5 units a day – eight times the recommended daily limit for women. She even admits downing pints of strong lager and half-litre bottles of brandy during her worst pregnancy binges.
But despite beating her alcoholism seven years ago and now being teetotal, Samantha still lives with the devastation of having caused serious damage to her son.
“I’ll never forgive myself and worry he’ll probably never live a normal life”
Stanley, now nine suffers learning difficulties and severe behavioural problems caused by Foetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS).
He has the mental age of a four year old, can only read and write his name and will probably never develop mentally beyond the age of 11.“I hate myself,” admits Samantha, 40, who will always have to care for Stanley.
“I feel guilty every day and some days it’s unbearable. I’ve ruined his life. I’ve tried to explain in a simple way that my drinking hurt him. Once, frustrated, he looked at me and said: ‘You did this.’ I hugged him, told him I was so sorry, then broke down. It’s so heartbreaking.
“I’ll never forgive myself and worry he’ll probably never live a normal life – get married, have children, or work. He can’t keep friends because he lashes out at other kids. What kind of life have I given him?”
Samantha adds: “I was ill when I was having Stanley, I was addicted to alcohol – but there’s no excuse for casual binge- drinking in pregnancy.”
It’s a crucial message in light of calls by senior doctors, who’ve asked for the government to to change the official guidelines, which says pregnant women should limit themselves to two units per week, and advise that mothers-to-be should avoid alcohol altogether.
“He can’t keep friends because he lashes out at other kids”
Samantha, from Slough, who was studying to become a psychiatric nurse before she became Stanley’s full-time carer, admits she began binge-drinking aged just 12.
At first, she drank at parties with older friends but, later, earning money from part-time work, she could afford to buy booze. She says: “It made me feel less shy – but I couldn’t stop at one, I always drank until I blacked out. It was a need.”
By 19, Samantha was drinking 10 or 12 shots and four pints of lager a day. In her 20s, she had two spells of sobriety after attending rehab, but when she found out she was three months pregnant, aged 29, she was regularly drinking strong lager for breakfast, then four pints of Stella, a couple of pints of snakebite, three WKDs and around half a litre of brandy each day – often alone at home.
“I didn’t want a baby, I knew I was off the rails,” explains Samantha, who asked Closer not to name Stanley’s father.
“When I saw the test was positive, I fell to my knees, sobbing. I’d been on the Pill but had often forgotten to take it. I considered an abortion but I couldn’t face it.”
She adds: “Stanley’s father was shocked, but said he’d stand by me.”
Samantha made some effort to restrict her drinking but felt it was impossible to stop and didn’t feel emotionally ready to attempt rehab again.
“I couldn’t function without alcohol,” she explains. “I know it sounds like an excuse, but I really was addicted. I wasn’t boozing for fun – it kept me going. Each day I told myself I’d get it under control, but I never did.”
She adds: “Stupidly, I thought at worst the baby would get a hangover. I’d never heard of FAS. Scans showed he was growing slowly, but no one said it could be because I was drinking.”
However, Samantha admits she hid the extent of her drinking from the doctors and midwives looking after her.
“They told me to stop and keep a diary of what I was drinking, but it wasn’t the help I needed,” she says. “They didn’t tell me about FAS. I wish they had – but I should have been honest about how much I was drinking.
“I drank at home when my bump started showing, drifting away from my mates after one or two of them said I should stop.”
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She adds: “I’d swap lager for Guinness and tell myself the iron was good for the baby to appease my guilt.”
Samantha split with her partner when she was seven months pregnant and moved into her mum’s house.
She says: “I tried to stop drinking then but couldn’t manage more than a week. I’d get the shakes and sweats. Mostly I drank when Mum was at work to hide it.”
Stanley was born in October 2003 weighing 6lb 1oz: “They said his head was a bit small but no one mentioned drinking.”
It was only when he reached 16 months that he showed signs of unusual behaviour.
“He was always hyperactive and throwing tantrums – but I put it down to early ‘terrible twos,’” says Samantha, who, scared she’d lose custody of Stanley because of her boozing, stopped drinking with Alcoholics Anonymous when he was eight months. She’s been teetotal ever since. She admits it was very hard, but seeing Stanley needed her and her fear of losing him really helped her stop. She says: “I felt I was neglecting Stanley, I admitted I needed help. I’d watch him in his cot and cry – I just wanted to be a good mum.”
When Stanley was three, Samantha realised something was seriously wrong. She says: “He was really aggressive towards other kids – he’d lash out and throw things.”
Worried, Samantha took him to see a specialist, who diagnosed him with FAS.
“I broke down in tears,” she recalls. “It was a bolt out of the blue, I knew nothing about it. The guilt was overwhelming.
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“They told me he might not reach his full size and may have learning difficulties. I looked into his innocent eyes and hated myself. All they could tell me was we’d have to wait and see what the effects were.”
Since then, Stanley has undergone therapy and taken medication to calm his moods – but there is no cure for FAS.
“What I did affects every day of our lives,” says Samantha, who is no longer with Stanley’s dad, but is married and has two more children, aged 16 months and five months. They’re both healthy as she stopped drinking before she fell pregnant with them.
She says: “I suffer from depression, take medication and have counselling – some days I don’t want to carry on.”
And, although Stanley doesn’t fully understand, she’s tried to explain to him that her drinking hurt him, She says: “I’ve told Stanley what I did. He knows he’s different and sometimes he’ll say the ‘stupid alcohol’ did it to him. I only wish someone had given me the facts.”
For advice on FAS, contact The European Birth Mother Support Network.
Visit www.eurobmsn.org, email eurobmsngroup@yahoo.com, or call 020 7692 1695.