Marisa: What would you like to get out of your session?
Frankie: To get some closure. When I first went on The Only Way is Essex I felt like I lost my identity and a lot of my best friends turned against me because they were jealous I was on TV. It was really hard as I valued my friends like family. It was a huge rejection. I felt like I’d lost everything.
M: What happened?
F: It all started last September. A group of my best friends told me not to go on the show as they thought it would change me. It made me question myself. I lost my mum (Frankie’s mum Tina committed suicide when she was 13) and it was tragic, and I think where I was so young it had a huge impact on my life. Losing my friends really upset me and took me back to losing my mum. To this day I don’t speak to them.
M: They were jealous of you.
F: At first I thought, how could you be jealous of me? No one has ever been jealous of me but I think that’s what it was.
M: If these friends got the chance to go on TOWIE, would they?
F: Yes. One of my friends was shortlisted but she didn’t get on the show. She was the one who told me not to change.
M: That’s interesting that she would have done it if she had the chance. Did they cut you off?
F: Yes. I’d been friends with one of the girls since I was 14. I couldn’t understand why they abandoned me. I’m not in the same friendship group and feel better about it all than I did, but I still have my days where I’m upset.
M: When you lose something, particularly a parent, there’s nothing worse in the world for a child. The greatest pain in the world is loss and once you experience it, your brain tries to protect you from it happening again. And because of what happened the first time, if you experience loss again it feels three times more painful. You were 13 you lost your mum, ten years later when your friends abandon you at a crucial time in your life, your mind says ‘this feels just like before’ and not only does it feels the same, you act the same as you did then. It feels just like when a kid. Do you ever talk about your mum?
When you lose something, particularly a parent, there’s nothing worse in the world for a child.
F: I do and I sometimes talk to my mum’s mum about it but she gets upset. I know that if people let me down then I go back to that time when she died and find it hard to cope. I know I’m a nice person and don’t understand why people can turn on you like that. I’m not being bullied but that’s how it feels sometimes.
M: When your mum died were your friends supportive?
F: Yes. She died in the June school holidays so my dad took us to Spain for the whole summer where we had family. Now whenever I’m upset or feel down I think I’ve got to get away.
M: That’s because your mind has learnt that when you’re upset you need to escape. What happened when you went back to school?
F: Awful rumours about my mum and how she died. I was seeing a counsellor, which helped, but I still remember getting really upset when a teacher told me off and said they were going to call my mum. I thought, how can she not know my mum has died?
M: You suffered a huge tragedy at a young age. Then you experienced loss again last year when your friends abandoned you. Have you made new friends?
F: Yes but my old mates have said so many horrible things it’s left me a nervous wreck. My friends were so jealous of my fame I’ve even had a death threat.
M: What happened?
F: I was shopping and bumped into one of them on New Year’s Day [2012]. It was horrible and awkward and I tried to ignore them but they came up to me and said: “If you ever do anything to upset this person (another friend) I’ll kill you”. I was terrified. The police were called but I was worried about being a grass so didn’t want to give a statement.
M: How did you react?
F: I was in shock - I couldn’t talk.
M: They are accusing you of changing but they are the ones that have changed.
F: When I made new friends my old friends tried to tell me they were just using me.
M: You must have felt confused about who you could trust. Your mum suffered from depression – have you ever been depressed?
F: No, I’m quite emotional but not depressed.
M: How is your self-esteem?
F: It’s all right. I’m quite a bubbly person when out with friends. I like being out, socialising and travelling, helping people. I like to give.
M: What does your dad [Donald] think?
F: I don’t like to tell him as he doesn’t know what to do but he was upset for me. [Frankie’s brother and TOWIE co-star] Joey told me to ignore them.
M: Do you feel vulnerable on your own?
F: Sometimes but I’m very independent. It makes me feel like a little girl, it’s so intimidating.
M: You react to being abandoned in an extreme way because it takes you back to when you lost your mum. Has this happened before?
F: Yes, when my ex-boyfriend left me for someone else when I was 22. We were together for two and a half years. I used to wake up in the night screaming. I felt like someone had killed him.
Marisa’s verdict
Whenever Frankie experiences loss, her mind takes her back to the time her mum died and she acts like a 13-year-old girl. She wasn’t encouraged to talk about her grief then so her coping mechanism now is to ‘get on with it’. This can be incredibly isolating and she over-reacts at times of loss. She feels helpless but she needs to remind herself she’s not 13 any more, she’s 24 and can stand up for herself and not be a victim. When people think you’ve got more than them it makes them feel inadequate so they diminish you to make them feel miserable like they do. Frankie needs to tell herself that it wasn’t her fault her mum died, her friends abandoned her or the boyfriend left. When she starts believing in herself (telling herself every morning she is a strong woman), she will have a more rational, philosophical reaction to problems.
[Subhead] Frankie’s verdict:
Marisa helped me recognise patterns in my life – I always feel like getting away when I’m upset and that goes back to my dad taking us away for the summer after my mum died. She helped me understand it’s time to let go of the past and the bad relationships and move on with my new friends, who are there for me no matter what.