1) “Do I look utterly deluded if I show them this picture?”
I really, really like Jennifer Lawrence’s hair - but I know I won’t wind up LOOKING like Jennifer Lawrence. I do know that. But do they know that I know that? I DON’T KNOW!!!
2) “HOW DOES THIS GOWN WORK?!”
I don’t really like being dressed by a stranger as an adult, so I always eagerly try to help them by shuffling into that gown without help. Which means I usually end up getting absolutely lost in a flood of black nylon cape, flailing like an octopus under extreme stress. Cool.
3) “Do I make eye contact with myself in the mirror?”
Once I’m all gowned up and sat in the chair by myself, I just don’t know where to look. Can I really just sit there gazing at my own face?
No. No I can’t. LOOK DOWN AT ALL TIMES, DAMN IT!!!
4) “Should I bring my bag with me?”
It’s painful to leave it, it’s rude to bring it with you to the sink, right?
It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve been to the hairdressers, I always suffer bag separation anxiety when I’m taken off to have my hair washed. And it’s not a matter of trust, either. I just… I just really don’t like leaving my beloved bag all on its lonesome, okay?
5) “No, this temperature isn’t okay for me”
It was okay when she first spritzed the shower at my head, but it’s been steadily getting hotter during the wash, and now I’m not sure if I’m allowed to bring it up again, despite the fact it feels like my scalp is being sloughed away.
After all, I had my chance. My fault, right?
6) “Annnnd there’s a crick in my neck.”
I may officially feel like my neck is snapping in two, but I won’t say a single word about it.
7) “Oh god, she’s massaging my head - what do I do?!”
Do I close my eyes and try to relax? Do I lie there with my eyes open and stare at the ceiling? Do I… do I, like, talk to them as they do it?
Essentially, I don’t want to look like I’m enjoying it all a little bit TOO much. So I usually wind up lying there, stiff as a board, arms clamped firmly to my sides, occasionally squeaking my assent when they ask if the pressure is okay.
They’ll never know how much I love that damn head massage.
8) “What if she finds a nit?”
I don’t have nits, okay? I know for a fact that I don’t have nits - but this has been an irrational fear of mine ever since I learned that hairdressers will throw you out on the street, hair still in a state of mid-wash, if they find one.
What if this is the day they find one, eh? I can't handle the pressure.
Cue me holding my breath for the majority of the wash.
9) “Do I really look like that?”
When my hair is wrapped up in a towel, and those harsh salon lights are blazing down on me, I forget to feel awkward about my reflection and just start staring at it in horror. WHERE DID THOSE EYEBAGS COME FROM?!
10) “Why am I sat in the window?”
Oh god, oh god, oh GOD - literally everyone in the world can see me. I’m the human equivalent of a goldfish.
11) “Do I read my magazine, or do I chat to them?”
They were the ones who offered me this magazine, but now they’re chatting away to me. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
12) “Can I really say yes to tea?”
I’m super thirsty, but I don’t want to have them feeling like I’m a Downton Abbey wannabe.
13) “I just made eye contact with them”
Bloody mirrors.
14) “BUT I CAN’T SEE WITHOUT MY GLASSES!!!”
So they want my glasses off while they trim, eh? Great. My face is a blurry mess now, and I can’t supervise anything they’re doing.
Guess the result will be a fun surprise to look forward to, at least...
15) “And now there’s hair clippings in my tea”
I finally plucked up the courage to say YES to that hot beverage, but I never found a moment to drink it. Because they kept chatting to me about the weather. So now there’s a lot of hair in it, and they’re telling me to go ahead and drink it, and now I have a mouthful of my own tea-soaked hair.
Sigh.
16) “They’re pulling my hair… a lot”
No, I’m not crying. You’re crying.
17) “Why did they stop talking to me?”
I spent all my energy making small-talk with them, and now the conversation is DEAD IN THE WATER! Was I too boring? Was it because they saw me drink the hairy tea?
18) “But I can’t hear you over that hairdryer”
I love my hairdresser, but I genuinely can’t hear them when the hairdryer goes on. So I’m reduced to a LOT of nodding and fake laughter, because what else is a Brit to do in a sitch like that?
Genuinely hope they never share any bad news during my ‘fake it’ period.
19) “I hate my hair”
My glasses are back on, and I don’t look one jot like Jennifer Lawrence. Can’t tell them that though, can I? So I just summon up my weakest smile and nod my assent. After all, my hairdresser slaved for HOURS over my locks - I don’t want to knock their confidence.
Fingers crossed they don’t see the tears shining in my eyes…
20) “So THAT’S what the back of my head looks like”
I’ve always wondered. Thank god for that mirror, eh? Something new to worry about when I leave the house each morning...
21) “Wait, are you genuinely leaving it like that?”
They asked me if I wanted it styled before I leave, and I stupidly said yes. And now I have a weird… a weird THING going on.
I need a hairbrush, and / or an iron - like, right now.
22) “There’s hair in every crevice”
It’s in my nose, eyes, ears, cleavage… and a large chunk is guaranteed to have fallen into my stupidly-open bag. Guess I’ll have to wait until I’m somewhere private to fish it out, eh?
23) “I know I’m a terrible hair owner - don’t judge me”
"Do you sue high street shampoo? Do you really? That's so bad for your hair. Did you know that you are genuinely destroying your own hair with that stuff?"
And so on. Forever and ever. Eventually, I wind up agreeing that the salon-branded stuff probably is better, before accidentally purchasing a token product or two, just to stop the SHAME.
And, yes, I will lose the product somewhere in my bathroom after two uses. SO SUE ME!
24) “Who is this person?”
A salon employee will usually wander past at some point and tell me that my hair looks fab. But I’m just terrible at reacting properly to compliments, or the question “DO YOU LIKE IT, THEN?!”, so I panic internally before flashing them a thumbs up and a smile.
Who even does a thumbs up nowadays, eh? I'm so feeble.
25) “Can I ask to use their toilet?”
I’ve been here for hours and my bladder is teeny - but there isn’t a toilet that I can see. Do I have to ask? I can’t ask. I can’t do that. It’s weirdly mortifying.
26) “How much?!”
Gulp.
27) “But… I still tip?”
I’m pretty sure my bank balance is sitting there shellshocked, wondering what it did to deserve that, but I guess a tip has to happen. Only… how much? And to who? And do I have to give it in cash?
I genuinely wish I could pay for my haircut via an app, like I do with Uber. Things are so much less awkward when cash is exchanged virtually, as opposed to physically and under their watchful stares.
28) “I don’t know what I’m doing in twenty minutes, let alone in eight weeks time!”
How do people ever pre-book in their next appointment, seriously?
29) “I just walked into the door, didn’t I?”
In my awkward attempt to escape, I pushed rather than pulled at that big ol' glass door and smacked right into it. Good. Nothing sets off a new 'do quite like a red face.
Fingers crossed they’ll have forgotten about that in eight weeks or so...
30) “I’M NOT CRYING!”
You’re crying.
31) “I need a friend’s reassurance, like, right now”
Conversations will always go along these lines:
Friend: "If you didn't like it, why didn't you tell them that?"
Me: “BECAUSE THAT'S TWISTED!!! I CAN'T TELL THEM I HATE IT - WHO DOES THAT?!?”
Friend: "And you still paid for it?"
Me: - weeps silently -
32) “Money well spent”
Awesome.
Do you ever feel like this at the hairdressers?
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