The Rock n Roll Bride is one of our absolute favourite wedding bloggers ever - not least of all because she keeps things fresh and exciting, promotes individuality, and celebrates awesomeness in all its forms.
Kat Williams set up her phenomenally successful blog when, while planning her own wedding back in 2008, she realised there was nothing out there for alternative brides.
Since then she’s launched her own line of wedding accessories AND the incredible Rock n Roll Bride magazine, which is currently the best selling bridal title in WHSmiths.
Now she’s joined the team here at Closer HQ to share her insights, advice, inspiration, and tips with you all via a brand-new monthly column.
Here’s Kat’s third instalment, which is all about tackling the sticky issue of telling your pal that she’s NOT a bridesmaid at your wedding.
Trust us when we say it’s a must read…
Gareth and I got engaged in 2007, immediately deciding that we didn’t want a huge wedding and therefore a huge wedding party. In the end had three bridesmaids – my best friend from University and my two sisters. Gareth just had one best man and no groomsmen.
A few weeks into our engagement, I went for drinks with some of my oldest friends from school to celebrate. Long story short, one of them threw a massive wobbly that I hadn’t asked her to be a bridesmaid. Although I told her that we were planning on having a small wedding and I didn’t feel that having 27 bridesmaids was necessary, we fell out for about six weeks. Luckily she got over it before the wedding day actually rolled around.
There’s one thing you learn very quickly into wedding planning and it’s that you cannot, however hard you might try, keep everyone happy all the time. This can be a bitter pill to swallow at first, and it can start to take the shine off of the whole wedding planning thing, but at the end of the day this is your wedding and so the decisions should be entirely up to you and your fiancé (with maybe a bit of input from your parents if they’re footing the bill!)
If you do have to have that tricky conversation about not asking someone to a bridesmaid, these are my tips:
Don’t rush into asking anyone
This is a marathon, not a sprint, and there is no rush to appoint bridesmaids or groomsmen. Yes, when you just get engaged it’s all SUPER exciting and it can be very tempting to run around asking everyone you know to don a matching dress and stand up there with you. However if you do that before you know it you’re rivalling this crazy woman and you’ll be spending £5,000 on matching pink dresses.
Try to restrain yourself! If there’s one thing worse than not asking someone to be a bridesmaid, it’s asking someone and then having to un-ask them!
Ask yourself, will this person make a good bridesmaid?
There are quite a few things you should consider before asking someone to be involved in your wedding. Are they responsible? Do they have skills that will help you? Is their personality in anyway diva-ish (bridesmaid-zillas are real, especially when it comes to finding a dress everyone is happy with) and how many bridesmaids can you actually afford to have? Bridesmaid dresses aren’t cheap… then there’s shoes… bouquets… thank you gifts. It really can add up fast!
What's tricky is when you have a lot of sisters, a large group of friends, or you’ve been a bridesmaid for lots of people in the past. But although someone might assume that you're automatically going to ask them, that isn't the way it has to work.
If you know you’re not asking someone, have the conversation early
If you know from the outset that you're not going to ask a particular person to be in the wedding party, try and make this as clear to them as soon as possible. Even if you have to loudly say "I'm not planning to have a lot of bridesmaids" when they’re within earshot!
If there is someone that you know will either be expecting to be asked, or who’d be upset if they aren’t, plan to sit down with them as soon as you can you have a slightly awkward conversation.
Think about what you want to say carefully beforehand. Don’t try to explain why she didn’t make the cut. Instead, keep things positive and focus on how much you love them and value their friendship, whilst also making sure she also knows you still want her involved in the pre-wedding festivities (such as the hen do).
Also, flattery will get you everywhere. Think about what her skills are – maybe she’s a fantastic baker and you could asked her if she’d be willing to help (or advise you) on making your wedding cake. Don’t ask for anything too big (she’s not a bridesmaid so she shouldn’t have to work like one!) but asking for her opinion or advice on something is an easy way to still include her in the wedding.
Give them another important role
Bridesmaid is not the only important job in a wedding. With my friend who threw a wobbly, we eventually asked her if she’d do a reading during the ceremony. This smoothed things over somewhat because she then realised she wasn’t just being left out.
If I could go back and do my time again, I would have planned this before I told her she wasn’t a bridesmaid so I could soften the blow then and there. I would have followed up “Yeah, sorry, you’re not a bridesmaid” with “…but I love you very much and would be honoured if you’d still be involved in the wedding by doing a reading at the ceremony.”
At the end of the day you shouldn’t be guilt-tripped into asking someone to be a bridesmaid or groomsmen. You probably know some people that might get hurt if they’re not asked, but this is unavoidable. It’s your wedding (and your budget) and you need to make sure you’re happy with your decision to ask (or not ask) someone to be involved in the day.
Kat Williams is the founder and editor-in-chief of Rock n Roll Bride, a blog and print magazine dedicated to promoting individuality within the cookie cutter wedding world. Rock n Roll Bride is all about the charm and unique nature of ordinary people’s extra-ordinary weddings.
Her passion is inspiring brides and grooms-to-be to plan the wedding that they really want in a world dedicated by tradition and big frou frou dresses.
Issue 8 is currently available and can be purchased at WhSmiths, Sainsburys and via rocknrollbride.com/shop.
Headshot by Shell De Mar Photography.
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