There’s no denying the devastating effect that a divorce can have of your life, making you feel your entire world has been turned upside down.
But, like most things in life, time will heal and one day you’ll feel ready to get back on the dating scene.
Which, lets be honest, can be a hard thing to kick-start, despite how you feel about your ex partner.
You may be so used to being in a relationship that you’ve forgotten how the dating game works – how do you meet people nowadays? Where do you go on a first date? Do you mention your divorce to potential partners?
Whatever you want from your next relationship – whether that’s just a little fun, or you’re in search for The One – here’s some tips from experts to help you get started.
Think about what you want – and what you don’t
Before you get back into the game, make sure you gain some clarity and have a good think about exactly what it is you want, and perhaps more importantly, exactly what it is you want to avoid in your next flirtation or relationship.
Joelle Caputa, author of Trash the Dress: Stories of Celebrating Divorce in your 20s, advises that you make a “good riddance” list of your ex before you start dating again.
She says: “Make a good riddance list to your ex-husband. If you start to miss him and think about going back or start to compare other guys to him, read your good riddance list.
"It will remind you that your marriage ended for a reason.”
And on the flip side of that, thinking about the things that ultimately contributed to your marriage breakdown can help you pick out a better partner the second time around.
Make a mental ‘dating check list’ of sorts. This is not to say you have to be rigid and tunnel visioned in what you look for in a partner, but considering what's essential to you and where you can compromise is important.
Is it most important to you that you have similar professions, or that you share the same hobbies? Do they have to live locally, or are you willing to work at it long distance?
Both these exercises will offer some clarity in what essentially was a deal breaker between you and your ex, and help you focus your energy on seeking out qualities you desire in future partners.
Take ownership of your past
In order to move forward, you need to take ownership of your past.
And apart of that is being open about your status - not only will you feel a weight lifted but it also means you won’t be facing an awkward situation down the line.
We’ve all got history, remember.
“Don’t be ashamed,” Joelle assures. “Be honest about your status. It's better to tell someone you are divorced upfront as opposed to waiting until you are three months into a new relationship.
"You lived and learned and are moving on. Make that known.”
This doesn’t mean you have to mention this on the first date if you don’t feel comfortable, but if you think there might be something there, don’t let it be a burdening secret.
While being open is advised, this is only in the right measure
Don’t dwell on your ex
Being open that you’re divorced does NOT mean you should spend your evening talking about your former husband/wife – or any ex for that matter!
The people over at MySingleFriend.com remind us that: “It is not a cardinal sin to mention exes on a date, but if you spend the whole night discussing Mr Wrong’s downfalls, you may as well be taking him along on the date with you… So shake it off, and focus on the future.”
And Joelle recommends: “Focus on getting to know the man you are dating. If he asks for details about your ex-husband it's OK to provide a few basic points but wait until you get to know him better to reveal the full story, if that is even necessary.”
Try online dating
If you’re nervous about getting back out there, or maybe your friends are in relationships and you’ll lost your trusty wingwoman, online dating can be a great way to ease back into the single scene.
MySingleFriend.com reminds us:
“The great thing about online dating is that everyone is on there to find someone special so you are all in the same boat.”
And if you are worried, you can always get a friend to help you make a profile – them outlining the things they love about you is bound to give you a confidence boost!
Even if you'd rather find love face to face or already have your eye on someone, going on a few dates can just help occupy your mind and build you self-esteem as you move forward from such a big life event.
Joelle also recommends trying online dating, assuring:
"Even if you’re not interested in the guys writing to you, it helps your self esteem reading emails from somebody trying to court you.
You can also get an idea of all the different types of men out there.
"Also, you can clearly state on your profile that you are divorced and if you have kids, which might even help you find others in a similar situation."
Make new memories
When you begin dating someone new, shake things up a bit. It's a great opportunity to get creative and experience new things – one that you should definitely seize.
See each date as another step on the path to the new you.
MySingleFriend.com advises:
“Forget a night down the pub, and try your hand at life drawing classes, get crafty or visit an exhibition with a new beau.
“By getting your creative juices flowing you can share your passions and interests, and having a focus for the date will also help avoid any awkward silences."
Steer clear of places or activities that evoke memories of you and your ex partner – make new ones with new people in new places.
It’s the best way to get into a new frame of mind after your divorce, and can help you ease out of a routine you were used to with your ex.