Grieving mums reveal what you should never say to someone who’s suffered a miscarriage

A survey of grieving mothers who have suffered miscarriages has found the most devastating things that their friends have ever said in a bid to comfort them

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by Emma Dodds |
Updated on

Whilst exact figures aren't known, it's estimated that one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage in the UK, according to charity Tommy's.

It can be so difficult to help a friend through something like this, especially if you've not been through it yourself.

But a survey of women who had gone through the traumatic experience has now revealed that three quarters of women who have suffered a miscarriaged have been devastated by insensitive comments - from their friends.

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The survey, which spoke to 1,821 women, found that more than a third had been told "it wasn't a real baby" by someone they considered a friend, whilst 57% said that friends had told them their miscarriage meant there was something wrong with the baby.

Three quarters were told "it's nature's way" and seven in 10 were told "don't worry, you can try again soon."

The poll, commissioned by ChannelMum.com, found that 29% of women were told it wasn't "that bad" as they already have another child.

Check out: 10 beautiful stillbirth & miscarriage poems to help grieving mothers

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Stillbirth and miscarriage poems - slider

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1) Precious Little One

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2) An Angel Never Dies

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3) A Million Times

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4) I'll Be There

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5) Silent Child, by Kelly Lancor

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6) Today Was The Day

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7) These Are My Footprints, by Tamara Barker

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8) Angel Of My Tears

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9) Oh Precious, Tiny, Sweet Little One

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10) The Moment You Left Me

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Siobhan Freegard, founder of ChannelMum.com, said, "The majority of women suffer at least one miscarriage and many have several, so why is it still so hard to talk about openly?

"We talk about 'losing a child' but the parents will always keep the pain of that loss with them - and many need to talk about it to help heal.

"It's worth remembering words are powerful so choose yours carefully. The wrong phrase, particularly one which belittles the loss or apportions blame - can be devastating.

"But a few well-chosen and thoughtful words can set a mum on the road to recovery."

WATCH: Nik and Eva Speakman on how to combat mental health issues

Almost half of the women polled revealed that they wanted to talk about their miscarriage with other people but didn't feel able to, and a shocking 59% of women struggled through the heartbreak without any support whatsoever.

As a result of this, 37% went on to suffer mental health issues or depression, while a shocking one in 10 even had suicidal thoughts.

Three in 10 women avoided visiting friends with new babies and 65% were upset even by seeing other pregnant women.

What you should never say to someone who has had a miscarriage

  1. It's nature's way

  2. Don't worry. You can try again soon

  3. It means there was something wrong with your baby

  4. It wasn't a "proper baby"

  5. Everything happens for a reason

  6. It wasn't your time

  7. It's the best thing given the situation

  8. You'll be fine!

  9. Get over it

  10. In my day we just treated it like a heavy period and got on with it

  11. At least you know you can get pregnant

  12. What did you do to make it happen?

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You should never tell someone who has had a miscarriage to "get over it" (Credit: Getty Images) ©Getty Images

What you should say to someone who has had a miscarriage

  1. Your baby will always be with you in your heart

  2. Even though it was early it was still your baby

  3. It wasn't your fault

  4. It's shit. It will be shit for a long time but at some point, it won't be quite as shit

  5. I'm here if you want to talk about it

  6. I'm sorry for your loss

  7. It WAS a baby and it was loved

  8. Be kind to yourself

  9. It's OK to cry

  10. It's OK to be angry

  11. It's OK to be sad

  12. I love you

READ MORE

Stillbirth: Causes, symptoms, risks and birth process explained

READ: 10 beautiful stillbirth & miscarriage poems to help grieving mothers

Stillbirth: How to be there for someone who has lost a baby

Mother’s Day after miscarriage or stillbirth: Advice on how to cope and grieve

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