Closer’s pregnancy blogger Suzanne Shaw reveals her fears: ‘What if I’m left holding the baby?’

Closer online's pregnancy blogger Suzanne Shaw's emotional column may leave you in tears. Can you relate to her worries?


by Closer Staff |
Published on

"It's a big old 2015 celebrity baby boom. A massive congrats to my former colleagues Charley Webb and Matthew Wolfenden on their baby news. Loved their announcement. Just gorgeous. So happy for them both and a little brother or sister for Buster. So great!

It's been a tough week for me. I'm now 23 weeks pregnant and I'm feeling a little all over the place. Not sure whether my hormones are playing a huge part or past experiences are haunting me?

I've been very tired with all the travelling and have been feeling under the weather since coming back from Turkey, and that won't help with emotions being up and down, but I've had an overwhelming feeling of worry and panic recently.

Suzanne loved Charley's baby announcement

I know being nervous and a little scared is normal when you're expecting, but I feel it's important to talk about exactly how I'm feeling from the heart and sharing my pregnancy journey with you is why I'm writing this column for Closer.

My past has been well documented over the years. Things didn't work out with Corey's dad; I had a failed marriage after that, plus my parents divorced when I was 14 years old, so you can imagine the tricks playing on my mind... The 'what ifs?’.

What if I'm left holding the baby again? What if our careers drive us apart? What if I can't juggle my work with two children (it's been hard enough with one)?

I'm certainly not suggesting that there is anything wrong in my relationship and I've never felt more supported - in fact, I probably wouldn't write about it if there was. It’s just I've started to learn that the more open you are about your feelings, the quicker and easier it is to work them out. I'm extremely open with Sam, I sometimes think he'd rather I kept my constant thinking to myself but he doesn't say anything; he just listens.

I would be lying if I said I didn't have these niggles the first time round, but that was definitely to be expected as the relationship wasn't the most secure! I suppose I'm surprised that I'm having them now too as I'm older and in a far better place. Luckily, I know the immense love you feel when your child arrives and it doesn't matter how bad it gets as long as your children are happy and healthy.

I've been thinking A LOT about my dad recently. I think about him every day anyway but at the moment it's constant and I'm having the most intense dreams about him (during pregnancy, intense dreaming is one of the symptoms). It's not easy losing a parent and you're left questioning your own mortality, so thoughts of something happening to me and leaving my family behind is currently a constant play on my mind.

I remember my dad sobbing knowing that he only had a short time to live as he was planning his funeral. It's so painful to see your dad, the first man in your life, your protector, cry, hoping a miracle will come along and not take him away from his family when he's not ready and we should have years left together.

Shortly after that, he passed away. Since then, I wish nothing more that he was around to meet Sam, see Corey grow into an incredible person and now more than ever meet his new grandchild. It's tough and understandable that my head is all over the place! They say life ain't easy, I'm just thankful for the life we have.

Right, let's move away from all the deep stuff! I know I'm hormonal and evaluating life but blimey, I'm not in a therapy session.

Suzanne attended TWO weddings

I've been to two weddings this week. My close friend Mish got married to her life-long friend Pete, which was a dream come true for her. So happy and proud of them!

I'm also delighted for my friends Chris and Fran, who by the way, invited superman!

Both brilliant weddings - so different, yet both perfect.

Superman gives Suzanne's bump his superhero blessing

I have to say, I have a right little kicker. Non-stop, night and day. If it's that active now I'm really heading for no-sleep-land, sooner rather than later. Fatigue, over thinking, oh dear...Good luck Sam!

Why is it that insomnia is a big pregnancy side-effect, yet they say, "get as much sleep and rest as possible before your baby arrives, you'll need it"? Well, actually I've not slept in weeks because it's flippin' uncomfortable and the baby won't stop moving.

Some light-hearted reading!

Decisions are to be made soon on what kind of birth I want to have. I've been reading lots about hypno-birthing and I'm starting to sway towards it. I had an epidural with Corey because 20 hours later I couldn't take the pain any longer! I'd like to go without this time and hypno-birth sounds interesting. I'll keep you up-to-date with my next steps with that.

Looking forward to a little pregnancy light-hearted reading with this book by Emma Gibbens - 'Pregnancy and Piles'. The front cover resembles me very much this week!"

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