It's official; your period has come
Erm… ow?
Usually at the most inopportune moment
WE WANTED TO GO SWIMMING AND WEAR WHITE JEANS, DAMN IT!
But after the first few grim moments of realisation…
…and, let's face it, they're always grim.
…you decide to just accept it
No baby = period. Fine. WHATEVER!
So now you have to spend your hard-earned money on pads and tampons, depending on… well, on your own personal vibe.
So… that'll be the super-jumbo tampons then?
And whip out the old period pants
That's right, we don't care about these ones. They're the sacrificial lambs to our time of the month.
Men now fear you and everything you represent
We wish nobody had ever taught them the word 'hormones'
But hey - at least you can use that to your advantage!
DO EXACTLY AS I AND MY HORMONES DICTATE, OK?!
Which is fair enough, because you're in pain.
Oh god, the actual physical pain!
Remember that scene from Alien?
That's exactly what it's like. IT'S EXACTLY LIKE THAT AND NO, WE ARE NOT OVER-EXAGGERATING!!!
And it's not just your stomach that hurts - your head is caning too.
It's a bit like your brain is melting into hot molten lava. But maybe a bit worse.
Also there are spots. Actual spots on your face.
God, why have you forsaken us?
Which is why, yes, you don't feel great
No, but seriously.
So chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.
Chocolate kills pain and suffering. Fact.
Occasioanlly people tell you that exercise is just as, if not more, effective at easing period pains than chocolate.
Avoid these people. Seriously.
You really want a hot bath to help ease all your aching muscles.
No, though. Because leakage and bathing in your own filth and all that.
So fine. Your muscles can just be all crampy and stiff.
Sigh.
And maybe your belly is a little bloated
It's the period, not the chocolate - we swear.
And period poops are actually devil spawn sent forth to ruin your colon AND your plumbing
Hey whaddaya know? We need more toilet paper. Again.
And you crave sex while feeling unsexy
So conflicted. So conflicted all the time.
But that's fine, because you can go sleep it off, right? RIGHT?!?
Noooooooope.
No wonder you feel overly emotional
Those damn hormones.
No wonder you're not quite yourself
Seriously though, we would kill for some chocolate.
And no wonder you're constantly exhausted
Why won't you help us, bed? WHY?!
Did we mention over emotional?
Oh we did. That's fine. It's a very important symptom, we guess…
But it's okay because one day - one blissful day - it will all be over
WE'RE FREE!!!
Until, of course, a month later, when it will return and the whole process will begin all over again.
Good luck, ladies. Good luck.