So… Zayn Malik has quit One Direction.

So now there are TWO directions, we guess.

Your reaction?

Not bothered, really.

The rest of the world’s response?

Yup, they’ve all lost the plot. And it’s making you feel a bit awkward.

Because… well, you just don’t understand where all this misery is coming from.

It’s just a band, right?

Which one even WAS Zayn anyway?

You have no idea.

Maybe he was the one who, like, dated Taylor Swift or something?

Fine. Maybe not then.

Was he the one with the hair?

Yes, fine - they all have hair. But you know what we mean; the one with THE hair, yeah?

Maybe this is him:

Whaddaya mean, he’s not even in One Direction?

Look at him again. And then look at this:

We’re pretty sure he was the one on the right.

Ugh, let’s move on, then: what’s a Zerrie?

It’s not even a real word, that’s what it is!

LarryStylinson, anyone? Or a Zarry, maybe?

If it ain’t in the dictionary, we ain’t interested.

More importantly though - why is EVERY SINGLE UPDATE IN YOUR FACEBOOK FEED ABOUT ONE DIRECTION RIGHT NOW?!?!

You just want to hear about something else. Anything else.

Even people you thought you knew… they’re all heartbroken over this as well.

Can you, erm, delete people who’ve clogged up your newsfeed with Zayn moping? Is that wrong?

And it’s not just Facebook, it’s Twitter too.

Give us a break, social media.

Yeah, Twitter is all #TearsForZayn and #ComeBackZayn and, terrifyingly, #CutForZayn.

That’s seriously not cool.

The radio keeps pumping out 1D’s greatest hits.

Sigh.

Even the actual news (the one you find on TV before EastEnders, yeah?) is banging on about it.

Really? You didn’t do this when Robbie quit Take That, world.

People keep saying that, the harder they pray, the more likely it is that Zayn will return to the band.

You’re praying to the deity of your choice, guys - not chatting with a genie.

Honestly? They’ve more luck praying to Simon Cowell.

Apparently he’s, like, One Direction’s dad or something?

Also people keep asking you which 1D boy you fancy the most.

No. Just no. Aren’t they, like, twelve?

And it’s all just making you feel old.

You hate saying “back in my day, music was different”, but it’s TRUE.

Not that you can tell anyone this.

They’d kill you. They’d kill you stone dead.

Which is SO not fair, because it’s not like you HATE One Direction.

Hate is such a strong word, after all.

You just… you know, there are just other musical artists that, like, you prefer.

What of it?

Although you’ll still jam out to Live While We’re Young when it comes on.

There’s no denying that one’s a total tune.

**It’s just this whole super fan thing, really. It's made you scared for Zerrie.

**

RUN ZERRIE, WHATEVER YOU ARE! RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIIFE!

And you just want to sit all these teenagers down and give them a cold hard dose of reality.

Snape wouldn't have stood for this nonsense.

Only you won’t. Because, like we said, they’re frikkin terrifying.

Who’d have thought that One Direction would have scarier fans than Slipknot, eh?

So, instead, you’ll just sit there and revel in the fact that you are different / better than everyone else.

Stick to your guns, Non-Directioners; you don’t have to follow the screaming crowd, okay?

Are you a One Directioner or a Non-Directioner? Let us know via the comments box below now!