Celebs Go Dating: Tom Read Wilson spills the behind-the-scenes beans

Celebs Go Dating

by Tom Read Wilson |

Celebs Go Dating season 2 has landed! And if you're a fan of the show, you're gonna LOVE Tom Read Wilson's exclusive behind-the-scenes blog for Closer Online...

Yes - our absolute fave dating show (sorry First Dates!) Celebs Go Dating is back for a second series (whoop)! And we're SO excited (and keen to get all the off-camera gossip!), that we've recruited receptionist extraordinaire Tom Read Wilson to be our lurve spy on the inside.

Season two has a stellar line-up of love sick celebs, including TOWIE's Ferne McCann, Ex on the Beach's Stephen Bear, gorgie Hollyoaks' Jorgie Portie, little Perri Kiely from Diversity, and, much to Tom's delight, the one and only Joey Essex!

So what are you waiting for? Pop the kettle on, grab a biccie (or three), and let Tom tell you what's really what...

Celebs Go Dating
Tom may be a sweetheart, but that doesn't mean he's scared to reveal all the goss! (Credit: Celebs Go Dating) ©Channel 4

5 reasons why Jonathan Cheban is a secret sweetie

Jonathan Cheban, Celebs Go Dating
Johnny is a secret sweetie... and not just because of his sweet tooth! (Credit: Instagram/ Jonathan Cheban) ©Instagram/ Jonathan Cheban

Some people might think that Jonathan Cheban (who happens to be Kim Kardashian's BFF darling!) can come off a bit aloof, but as I have learnt over the course of the series, he is anything but. In fact, he's a total sweetheart. Here's why...

Jonathan Cheban
Generous Johnny remembered his London pals when in Paris (Credit: Instagram/ Jonathan Cheban) ©Instagram/ Jonathan Cheban

1. Dear Johnny's one-man campaign to secure me an office pooch

When he learned of my canine plight he hit Nadia and Eden with a machine-gun-volley of reasons for why my request should be granted. He even recommended breeds that were suitable!

2. While in Paris he could not help but think of Nadia, Eden and me

Thoughtful Johnny sweetly - and quite unnecessarily - brought us each back a lovely Parisian keepsake! Mine was an enchanting blue cashmere beret - tres chic! I felt like one of the elegant street artists outside the Le Centre Pompidou in this terribly fetching accessory.

3. Johnny is one of the biggest cuddlers to cross my threshold

We tend to lock into a protracted embrace with no foreseeable finish every time he visits. It's the surest sign that he is in fact brimming with love.4. Johnny adores my orchids. He's desperately fond of Oliver, Olivia and Ophelia. I've always found that lovers of horticulture, whatever their carapace may suggest, are really rather gentle spirits.

4. Johnny adores my orchids

He's desperately fond of Oliver, Olivia and Ophelia. I've always found that lovers of horticulture, whatever their carapace may suggest, are really rather gentle spirits.

Jonathan Cheban
Johnny is an honorary Brit! (Credit: Instagram/ Jonathan Cheban) ©Jonathan Cheban

5. Johnny will always compliment the things that oft go unnoticed

He knows that the devil is in the detail and so he'll spot the often undetected nuances of one's outfit, the decor in reception, ones floral arrangements at a Mixer. He notices everything. He'll never miss a trick, which makes arranging them all the more gratifying.

Celebs Go Dating season 2: My most special memories of each celebrity

Since I always get very emotional at this juncture in our Celebs Go Dating journey, I thought I'd reflect on each our seven celebrities and pick one favourite moment (some on, some off-camera) per head.

1. Perri Kiely's butterfly moment

Perri Kiely, Joey Essex
Perri has picked up some top tips from his new buddy Joey (Credit: Instagram/ Perri Kiely) ©Instagram/ Perri Kiely

The moment he emerged a butterfly at our final boy's mixer. His resolve was to employ every skill he'd learned during his time with us. He has had the mentorship of Nadia and Eden, the expert flirting advice of Jean, the shining example of Joey and best of all, real life dating experience under his belt. He seemed to enter with the confidence that all of the above was in his armory and it the girls were like Moses parting the waves to get to our beloved boy!

2. Jonathan Cheban's secret doggy crusade

Jonathan Cheban
Jonathan is a real sweetheart (Credit: Instagram/ Jonathan Cheban) ©Instagram/ Jonathan Cheban

The moment I learned of his secret campaign for Nadia and Eden to give me an office dog. He may seem like a cool customer but all I've seen is cheekiness and warmth. The moment he begins to tease you, you know he's grown fond of you: He teased Nadia mercilessly but I felt sure it was because he thought she was a really good egg!

3. Mr Bear's dapper entrance

Stephen Bear
Tom liked Stephen's suit more than his behaviour (Credit: Celebs Go Dating) ©Celebs Go Dating

My favourite moment was when Mr Bear entered the speed dating Mixer in a charcoal grey three-piece-suit and I thought "I see! He means business tonight..no more antics". Alas I was a fool to think there was anything emblematic in his wardrobe choice. Nevertheless, I still vividly remember that entrance.

4. Jorgie Porter's first kiss

Jorgie was ready for romance (Credit: Instagram/ Celebs Go Dating)

It was the first kiss of the series and it was pure, unadulterated romance. To see her in reception positively beaming the following day was deeply touching. It wasn't, ultimately, to be but it showed us how very ready she was for love and made me full of panglossian hope for the future.

5. Ferne McCann's cheeky chat

Tom Read Wilson, Ferne McCann
Tom loved his cheeky chats with Ferne (Credit: Tom Read Wilson) ©Tom Read Wilson

Our extensive sex chat in reception. We certainly stripped the carapace of propriety very early on but in this particular chat we found that almost everything I'd accumulated in my seemingly pristine office looked like a sex toy!

6. Music time with Melody Thornton

Melody Thornton
Melody has music in her veins (Credit: Instagram/ Melody Thornton) ©Instagram/ Melody Thornton

Without doubt our private Callas concerts, enhanced only by Melody adding her own coloratura tones from time to time!

7. Joey Essex - pure and simple

I simply can't reduce it to one. Every entrance, every gleam, every dance (we did the polka!) and every exchange are liberally peppered with his unique magic is indelibly printed on my heart.

Celebs Go Dating: My five favourite facts about fabulous Ferne McCann

Ferne McCann
Ferne is Tom's favourite girl (Credit: Instagram/ Tom Read Wilson) ©Instagram

**1. Ferne cannot resist a bad boy **

This will come as no surprise to you, but I must qualify this statement: I have asked Fern to elucidate and she's said that by "bad" she means a man with an alternative look, hugely authoritative, and not tied in knots by his own gentility. So we're not talking a Mr Bear, more a rebel without a cause.

2. Ferne's skin is FLAWLESS

I have had the priveledge of studying Ferne at very close range in reception and she has the most impeccable skin. There are no visible pores, lines or imperfections. It's a wonderful canvas for her exquisite, striking features.

**3. Ferne is a lady of many hidden talents **

Ferne is a secret songstress: She played me a heavenly swing version of "That's Life" that she recorded last year in the first week of our friendship. It was breathtaking in both power and beauty.

**4. Ferne has more ailments that any client on our books (and most of them are embarrassing) **

From dodgy bowels to unfortunately-located abscesses: she runs the gamut of unfortunate maladies. However, in her uniquely candid way, she eliminates their taboo status by always being the first to talk about them!

Ferne McCann
Ferne is flawless (Credit: Instagram/ Ferne McCann) ©Instagram

**5. Ferne is my favourite girl! **

Ferne put me on the spot one day and asked me whether she was my favourite. Naturally, I was in a pickle as Joey sort of trumps everybody because of my abiding love for him coupled with his agency longevity. But I confessed that she is indeed my favourite girl, much as I love the other two! We are kindred spirits with our love of musicals, our nephews who are the same age, our heart-on-sleeve natures. It's a friendship that I know will continue to thrive. She's utterly delicious...

Celebs Go Dating: Season 2, Episode 16

Celebs Go Dating
It's the final week for the celebs to find love (Credit: Instagram/ Perri Kiely) ©Instagram/ Perri Kiely

We are about to embark on the final week of dating and, with the exception of Joey, our celebrities are being put through their paces by behaviour and body language expert, Judy James.

We learn that Perri's insecurities still plague him and that Ferne is a glutton for punishment with her bad boys. Tonight we will learn why Melody rates herself a perfect ten for looks (she's not wrong there) and why Jorgie's rating is conversely low.

After watching- sometimes aghast- from reception with me, the agents need to ensure that these issues are addressed before the celebrities embark on their final few dates.

We are about to whisk our Celebrities off to one last Mixer, and Nadia and Eden need to feel confident that everyone has the wherewithal to meet their potential love-match there.

One client will not be attending. While Nadia and Eden ponder what to do about Mr Bear's group therapy revelation of extra-curricular dating, they determine that- for now at least - they cannot let him loose on any other clients.

The delivery of this bombshell falls to yours truly! It was rather sharp tincture to administer and I was a basket case doing it. I remember the palpitations I had while dialing his number!

With the deed done I looked forward to the gaiety of the Mixer itself. The perfect anodyne! These events are the feathers in my cap as Nadia and Eden place me in charge of everything from the locations to the bells and whistles.

Celebs Go Dating, Ferne McCann
Tom thinks he's spotted Ferne's dream lover (Credit: Instagram/ Ferne McCann) ©Instagram/ Ferne McCann

Once the interiors are set to dazzle we can open the doors to our prospective datees and one immediately catches my eye for my beloved Ferne. Never have I been more determined to put an end to her run of bad luck.

If romance isn't ubiquitous tonight I'll eat my hat...

Celebs Go Dating: Season 2, Episode 15

It's another day at the agency and we are all working away furiously. With an ever-growing list of criteria, Nadia and Eden are being put through their paces by our celebrities.

My beloved Joey is one of the trickiest to please but Nadia and Eden have procured a sensational Swede! Things seem to be going terribly well and Mr Essex is certainly impressed with her salty credentials. Could she be the one? Or is the distraction of his receptionist paramour (of course I jest) ever present? Be still my heart!

Celebs Go Dating
Tom, Perri and Lady Nadia Essex catching up on some v important dating goss! (Credit: Instagram/ Lady Nadia Essex) ©Instagram/ Lady Nadia Essex

Darling Perri is sent on a very different date. Dating has already grown more sophisticated since the agents took the reins, but now we add to sophistication, sexiness! This spa date will predominantly take place in a hot tub! So will things hot up sufficiently for Perri to bag that ever-elusive second date? Or will the hot tub grow luke-warm?

Celebs Go Dating
Jonathan is never scared to tell Nadia and Eden what he wants (Credit: Instagram/ Lady Nadia Essex) ©Instagram/ Lady Nadia Essex

Meanwhile, dear Johnny has a somewhat cryptic logic: Having seen on his last date that it's within the agents powers to produce his perfect ten, instead of pursuing Steph, he wants to see what else is in their armory. Perhaps this is shrewd. After all, now the agents are ticking all the boxes there may be a bottomless well of eligible ladies for their most fastidious client. After all, he can always come back to Steph, can't he...?

Celebs Go Dating: My 5 favourite things about Diversity darling Perri Kiely

Perri Kiely
Perri is such a babe! (Credit: Instagram/ Perri Kiely) ©Perri Kiely

It's no secret that I have a special place in my heart for Mr Joey Essex, but as I'm sure you'll all have noticed - I've developed quite the sweet spot for the gorgeous (inside and out) Perri Kiely. I mean - how could you not? So it only seemed fitting to share with you my five favourite things about the Diversity star...

1.His manners

Perri has the most impeccable manners of any client we've ever known: From his gentle rat-a-tat-tat on the door before entering any room, to his cheery greetings, he is courtesy personified. And it's so embedded and natural that it all seems like par for the course. I only wish he'd teach Mr Bear a thing or two!

Perri Kiely/ Celebs Go Dating
Tom LOVES Perri's hair (Credit: Instagram/ Perri Kiely) ©Instagram/ Perri Kiely

2. His lion's mane

I wish I could run barefoot through it! It possesses every known facet of caramel. And the smell! It's a wonderful, gentle, coconut-clean smell that must be inhaled to be believed!

3. His open-mindedness

Our only client to embark on this exciting journey a complete and utter novice. Yes, this meant a degree of trepidation in the early stages, but it also meant a will to embrace every bit of advice, and every person that came his way.

Perri Kiely/ Celebs Go Dating
Perri and Joey - Tom's fave boys! (Credit: Instagram/ Perri Kiely) ©Instagram/ Perri Kiely

4. His moves

Of course it is the source of his fame and a big part of his identity but it's something else to witness it live, in one's office! Reception is not huge so Perri couldn't really cut a rug for me but he did perform an improvised articulated arm move that is indelibly printed on my brain.

5. His curiosity

The thing that's made him such a success on this journey is the very thing that makes him such a success in life. One always feels that Perri is interested, even fascinated. He makes the people he invests in feel terribly special. The girl who wins Perri's heart can rest assured, like Diversity, she'll have a permanent spring in her step!

Celebs Go Dating: Season 2, Episode 13

Gracious! One could cut the atmosphere with a knife tonight. Especially with Mr Bear. Nadia and Eden are at their wits end. Will he show enough contrition to complete his journey? And even if he does, will Nadia and Eden be generous enough to let him? He's certainly pushed them further than any other client to date.

Jonathan Cheban, Celebs Go Dating
Can Nadia and Eden find a date to match Jonathan's high standards? (Picture: Instagram/ Jonathan Cheban) ©Instagram/ Jonathan Cheban

Dear Johnny's list of prerequisites seem to be ever-increasing, but Nadia and Eden seem to have fulfilled them all! They have a West London socialite who knows Chelsea and Knightsbridge like the back of her hand. She has the wherewithal to wax lyrical about all Johnny's favourite things: Fine dining, fine couture... generally all the finer things life! Will it be enough to impress our connoisseur?

Meanwhile, is Ferne's Jupiter Lee lieing dormant in the darkest caverns of her mind? She's unsure, and so Nadia and Eden send her on a date with Prison Officer Luke. She's not overly taken with his photograph but resolves to keep an open mind and sets off to meet him. I'm keeping my fingers very tightly crossed! It's high time that darling girl was swept off her feet.

Celebs Go Dating
Are Jorgie and James moving too fast? (Credit: Celebs Go Dating)

And Jorgie? She's off to Bournmouth to meet James's friends. But will this prove too much too fast? This is an awfully big step and if it doesn't go well might it colour her thinking?

Celebs Go Dating: Season 2, Episode 12

Celebs Go Dating
Melody and her Celebs Go Dating bestie Ferne (Credit: Instagram/ Ferne McCann)

On tonight's show we have speed dating part two. Now it's the turn Mr. Bear, Jorgie, Perri and Melody.

Eden and Nadia have a naughty ruse for our girls. Since Melody is so taken with Frankie and Jorgie with James, they intend to throw some Adonis-shaped distractions their way to test their resolve. Our hungry datees will try every which way to woo our ladies: flexing, serenading, charming.

Celebs Go Dating
Jorgie's definitely enjoying the dating process (Credit: Celebs Go Dating)

But will any of it be enough to eclipse Frankie and James? Especially when Nadia and Eden have saved them both until last! And with the girl's strict allocation of one invitation to date each, will Frankie and James arrive to find the allocation already snapped up?

Perri was a star in last week's flirting workshop with Jean. Tonight is his first chance to put it into practice. But with higher expectations of himself comes higher expectations of his dates, and top of his list is shared interests: more specifically, Harry Potter. And tonight it becomes clear that the only way to woo Perri in under five minutes is a little wingardium leviosa!

Celebs Go Dating
It's always a joy to see Perri in reception! (Credit:Istagram Perri Kiely)

With Mr Bear being typically recalcitrant at a corner table, is there anyone who can give him what for? A string of ladies arrive to endure a lucky dip of his old tricks but one familiar face has come back. It's the ghost of dating past and it's not long before we all realise that she has anything but a speed date in mind...

Celebs Go Dating: Season 2, Episode 11

Will Ferne get lucky tonight? (Credit: E4) ©E4

We have reached the half-way point on our quest for romance.

As the agents pause for thought, it becomes clear that every girl has had a second date, but not a single boy! Their solution is a veritable machine-gun volley of dates at a very special kind of mixer: a speed dating mixer. I will greet a host of eligible bachelors and bacherloresses (keep your eyes peeled for the ones you've seen before).

Our celebrities are going to be given a strict five minutes to glean all they can from each potential paramour. Everybody who meets Ferne makes quite a play for her, but it's stripper Will (who you might remember bending Jorgie's ear last week) who she's most taken with. With his Lion's mane and charm, he's certainly a catch. But will a surprise appearance from her Jupiter, Lee, change her mind?

Meanwhile, Jonathan is reunited with his old flame Chanelle. But our speed daters don't all date exclusively and naughty Mr. Essex decides to ask her on a date. But don't judge Joe too harshly, dear reader. I suspect this might be an altruistic ruse to awaken dear Johnny's true feelings. He certainly seems more than a little put out when he learns what's happened!

Celebs Go Dating spoiler: Season 2, Episode 10

As we conclude week two tonight, the romantic stakes are getting infinitely higher.

Ferne and Melody are off on a double date: an arrangement I find delicious, since natural ease of the girls with one another seems to suffuse the proceedings. In fact the date seems to be a resounding success for both couples: Ferne and Melody have both taken the boys that have made their knees buckle since our second mixer. Conversation is flowing and flirtation is rife. But disaster strikes as Ferne is taken ill! Will this surprising turn of events have unforeseen consequences?

Jonathan Cheban, Stephen Bear, Celebs Go dating
Will Jonathan be a good influence on Stephen? (Picture: Instagram/ Jonathan Cheban/ Stephen Bear) ©Instagram

The other joy of double dates is that one of our celebs might follow the shining example of the other. I think this was Nadia and Eden's ruse in sending Mr.Bear off with the impossibly refined Jonathan Cheban. With Johnny, etiquette is of cardinal importance... so how will he fare in an East end pub of Mr. Bear's choosing? And crucially, who will prove the bigger influence - Mr B or Mr C?

I'm hugely optimistic they'll both be bewitched by the delicious twins Nadia and Eden have set them up with? Unless Mr. Bear's naughtiness prevails...

Meanwhile Jorgie is growing terribly fond of her James. Though Nadia and Eden are as romance-governed as I am, they always like to throw a hunk-shaped spanner in the works at this stage to test our celeb's resolve. Will Jorgie succumb, or will James continue to plague her thoughts?

Celebs Go Dating season 2: Five things you never knew about Pussycat Doll Melody Thornton

Melody Thornton
Melody is more than just a pretty face (Credit: Instagram/ Melody Thornton) ©Instagram/ Melody Thornton

The incomparably sexy and sassy Melody Thornton is an enigma to many. I've learned a great deal about her since she joined our books though, so here are five things that may surprise you...

1. Melody's more than just a pop star

As a former Pussycat Doll, Melody is best known for her contemporary pop/soul sound that can melt hearts. But what you may not know is that thanks to an excellent teacher, tremendous discipline and a sublime set of pipes, she is equally capable of handling a classical repertoire! Her vocal range is simply vast!

2. Melody is a true romantic

Melody is embarking on this journey as the first new romantic chapter since her last great love. This adventure, therefore, is a wholly new and radical experience for her. Will she be ready for this heady new adventure? I do hope so!

3. Melody is a huge Maria Callas fan

I have seldom made a friend who is more in awe of the classical diva than I, but Melody certainly is. From her Tosca to her Norma, Melody is utterly spellbound. I often surprise her with one of Maria's rousing arias in reception.

4. Melody is a true fashionista

Her wardrobe is varied and extensive with nods to everything from the vintage cowgirl to Mary Quant. It is eclectic, wild, irreverent and characteristially zany. I simply love it!

Melody Thornton
When it comes to fashion, Melody has eclectic tastes (Credit: Instagram/ Melody Thornton) ©Instagram/ Melody Thornton

**5. Melody ADORES Jackie Kennedy Onassis **

Those who are up on their diva history will know how curious it is for a Maria Callas to love Jackie Kennedy Onasis too - as the two women shared Aristtle Onassis with a considerable overlap! However Melody adores them both. You can particularly see Jackie's influence in Melody's wardrobe - that dazzling mint sequined dress with the classic Kennedy collar and cut she wore to her first mixer, for example. Jackie was a true style icon, and I believe Melody has a similar refinement and sophistication.

Celebs Go Dating: Season 2, Episode 7

Celebs Go Dating
Tom believes that Melody is a true romantic (Credit: Celebs Go Dating) ©Celebs Go Dating

I have discovered in my short spell with Melody that, like me, she's true romantic: She adores Maria Callas, especially the most impassioned arias. She falls in love quickly and deeply. Nadia and Eden are acutely aware of this so tonight, you'll see them mix things up with the terpsichorean Alejandro. Will Melody (who also has the moves) be swept of her feet? Or will she find herself pining for her first date, Frankie?

Melody has to face, at this very early juncture, what I believe to be the trickiest part of our process: No matter what, the number of dates our celebrities have is finite! So, if you're bewitched on the very first then discover on the fifth that your chosen man is a bit of a rotter then you only have one date remaining!

Knowing the volume of delicious clients on our books it's terribly difficult to make these second date decisions, especially in the early days.

Nadia and Eden want to see if the impact of the date they seem to be most taken with is permanent. If Melody spends her date with Alejandro thinking of Frankie then Nadia and Eden have their answer. But if her head is turned then...who knows?

You'll also see dear Jonathan rolling up to his very first date in a Bentley with a host of paparazzi! Will he be able to shake off the press long enough to enjoy Chanelle's company? And how will his delicious candour work in the context of dating? If he's half as charming as he is in reception with me we won't have a problem.

Celebs Go Dating
Will Jonathan find love with someone who looks just like his BFF Kim Kardashian? (Credit: Celebs Go Dating) ©Celebs Go Dating

Certainly Chanelle seemed awfully keen on him so he has the most wonderful foundation. But will Chanelle's Kim Kardashian revelation change everything? And will Joey's interruption throw him horribly off course?

Whatever happens, I have huge confidence in Johnny. I suspect, having spoken to him at length in reception, that he too is a romantic. He is generous and sensitive. He just happens to have exceptionally high standards!

Celebs Go Dating: Season 2, Episode 5

Tom Read Wilson, Celebs Go Dating
Tom has learnt from the best, and now he wants to share his lessons for love with you! (Credit: Instagram/ Tom Read Wilson) ©Instagram

Tom Read Wilson's advice to first-time daters

Now I may be a chronically hopeless dater, but I do work under two dating wizards, so I like to think I know a thing or two about love (even if I don't seem to be able to apply it to my own love life!).

Friday night's Celebs Go Dating saw my darling Peri embark on his first grown-up date. Inspired by Peri's greenness and my own dating clumsiness of yesteryear, I thought I'd share some of the things I deem most important on a first date.

**1. My essential tip is utterly emancipating: The love of your life will fall for you warts and all! **

In days gone by I was shy about some of my more eccentric idiosyncrasies and would try and modify them on first dates. Don't! Your great love will love those idiosyncrasies above all else. The last time I got very serious with a boy, I was making a meal and telling a dear chum how terribly nervous I was. She replied, "but darling, with 'the one' you simply can't go wrong: he'll find that very nervousness about the supper preparations more enchanting than anything else." It was a blinding epiphany! I realised that some of the things I liked best in men were things they'd sooner conceal... bashfulness for example!

**2. Always try and ask questions **

One's anxiety often causes one to dominate conversation for fear of a lull. But people are endlessly fascinating. Even if that face across the supper table doesn't turn out to belong to the future love of your life, they've lived a life that is probably a rich tapestry. Which brings me on to...

**3. Chemistry-free dates: They are never wasted **

In fact they can be jolly liberating. When you suspect they're not romantically interested or know that you're not, worries about spinach in the teeth evaporate and you have full permission to have a super time with a charming stranger! Eye contact is marvellous. There lies every clue, twinkle, flirt and frisson you need. They are indeed the windows to the soul. With that in mind...

4. Anything that causes excessive deviation from your dates warm gaze should be eliminated

I therefore would declare phones off the table my cardinal dating rule. It is a bitter irony that these tremendous tools of sociability can be the very things that impede most. Never miss a moment of the live magic!

**5. Finally, and most importantly, have a lightness of heart **

Dating should be fun, irreverent and maybe even a little naughty. We all care deeply, very deeply, but joie de vivre must reign supreme.

All you fellow singletons are utter darlings who, like our celebrities, are on an adventure: The wonderful adventure of dating! It's unlike any other and can yield the most glorious fruit. Good luck!

With love from your loyal cheerleader for love,

Tom x

Celebs Go Dating: Season 2, Episode 4

I think, because I'm subtle as a brick, everybody has spotted my love for dear Joey Essex. What people may not know are the seven things that have contributed most generously to my crush. So, I have tried compile a list of some of the most magical things about the apple of my eye...

The gorgeous Joey (Credit: Instagram/ Joey Essex) ©Instagram/ Joey Essex
  1. His vocabulary: He is the modern-day Shakespeare, no-one but the Bard has coined as many words and phrases! And I think his peng mastery of onomatopoeia is reem!

  2. His twinkle. On Joey everything twinkles: His eyes, his teeth and of course, that incandescent personality.

  3. His love of animals: Joey revealed to me a particular love of frogs and has even installed a frog jungle chez Joe!

  4. His wardrobe. The snappiest of dressers: He never fails to find the tints that make those eyes pop!

  5. His dance moves: from time to time Joey and I privately polka, which is second only to flying! You'll also see some Joey gymnastics in short order.

  6. His hugs: So long as I have my diurnal "Essex embrace" I can do without my second coffee- I'm quite buoyant enough!

  7. His voice: It's a real basso profundo. It seems to oscillate through every fiber of my body. It's terribly distinctive and it's my first clue that he's about to cross my threshold and lift my spirits irreversibly.

Celebs Go Dating: Season 2, Episode 3

Stephen Bear, Celebs Go Dating
Tom is NOT impressed with lothario Stephen Bear's etiquette (Credit: Instagram/ Stephen Bear) ©Instagram/ Stephen Bear

Well, Mr Bear's reception etiquette leaves a lot to be desired! It's not just the agent's room where he's let fly with wall-trembling burps.

Alas, I've not been immune to them either, but much worse than the ructations and flatulence, he squeezed Fern like a new ketchup bottle and, as you'll see in due course, she's not the only celebrity he peddles his dubious commodities towards in Reception.

I have to say, I'm beginning to have my doubts about Mr.Bear... manners maketh man and he's more than a little deficienct.

Perri on the other hand has the most impeccable manners. I don't know what he thinks I'm up to in reception, but he always knocks before entering.

With his malteaser eyes and effortless charm, Perri has the perfect credentials for finding love... if only we could find someone who shares what he tells me are his greatest loves: dancing, his dog and most importantly...Harry Potter! But they'll have to let him talk long enough (or read this) to discover them first!

Celebs Go Dating: Season 2, Episode 2

So now you all have a true flavour of the full extent of the impact Joey's return had on me: I was all a-quiver and experiencing palpitations. Seriously guys, I was truly knocked sideways!

Sadly though, Joey doesn't have eyes for me. Instead, he's truly focused on finding love (with someone else, sob!), and confided to Nadia and Eden that he's now fully committed to doing things their way.

Celebs Go Dating
(Credit: Twitter) ©Twitter

Words are all well and good, but actions speak louder than words, so to test his resolve, Nadia and Eden promised a bind date!

Ferne's date was too "vanilla" and left her with an appetite for cinnamon sprinkles: I think cinnamon is a clue as to the kind of piquancy Ferne really craves... but this may be idle receptionist speculation!

Celebs Go Dating
(Credit: Twitter) ©Twitter

While Jorgie dined on lobster and champagne in Manchester with Harry (it's alright for some, eh!), my beloved Perri prepared for his first ever date!

Perri scored a highly respectable eight out of ten for his dating debut but didn't, alas, swoon. Nevertheless, I think swooning is a real dating-debut rarity so I'm not in the least disheartened!

At the slightly more seasoned end of the dating spectrum, Joey discovered his blind date was cougar Izzy. They begin an exchange on the relative sex appeals of ponies and frogs... because what else would you talk about on a first date?! Seriously guys - you really need to up your banter bar!

As Jorgie's date with firefighter Harry draws to a close, her fire is little more than embers but I suspect Mr.Right may be lurking round the corner...

Celebs Go Dating: Season 2, Episode 1

Well! We are back in the agency and the walls are already positively pulsating with love-hunting hopefuls.

Our new celebrities have had candid and cathartic consultations with dating gurus, Nadia Essex and Eden Blackman (my beloved bosses) and we have seen tears, fears and indecision.

Celebs Go Dating
But seriously - how is Perri 24?! (Credit: Celebs Go Dating) ©Channel 4

Fern is somewhat unsure of her ideal man's credentials, Jorgie is experiencing an early crisis of confidence, Perri feels a little green and Mr. Bear unnervingly close to the other end of the spectrum.

Cue the first "Mixer": A veritable melting pot of hunks and bombshells for our celebs to feast their eyes upon.

I stronlgy urge Perri, who is a complete dating novice, to pick based on who he feels most comfortable talking to. He was unsure of the degree of romance he'd experienced but knew he'd had one wonderful chat: He spoke for nigh on twently minutes to the lovely Charlotte and decided it was well worth continuing on a date. That's my boy!

However, it's a little more complicated when one hunky fireman bewitches two celebs: But could it be serendipity?

Fern's initial mismatch fireman Harry left her free to be wooed by the devilishly charming Ciaran, who seemed intent on prolonging this very promising flirt on a first date!

Celebs Go Dating
Stephen Bear didn't waste any time getting, er, stuck in! (Credit: Celebs Go Dating) ©Channel 4

Meanwhile, Mr Bear skips preludes and dives straight in to my complete chagrin. I fear he may be an uphill struggle!

Back at the agency, it's business as usual. But I am about to be surprised beyond my wildest imaginings. It is no secret that last series the apple of my eye was a certain Mr Essex.

Celebs Go Dating
Joey Essex is back - but will he find love this time around? (Credit: Celebs Go Dating) ©Channel 4

To my total astonishment, Nadia and Eden have secretly reinstated him as a client! Disguising his voice and complete with face-eclipsing hood, he entered the agency.

On crossing my threshold he revealed those trademark blue eyes and I instantly regressed to being putty in his hands. I'm quite sure I had a palpatation.

We chatted endlessly and I was ultimately chastised for keeping him for so long. What can I say? He's so deliciously moreish...

Next time he will reveal to the agents what prompted his surprise return.

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