Over here, tea is a social currency, and a Brit who doesn't like a brew is pretty darn broke.
We're few and far between, so let me give you a breakdown of what it's like to be rejecting offers of tea under the Queen's rule.
You're a disappointment to worldwide visitors
You're simply not all they envisioned you to be. They can just about forgive you for not dressing like the Downton Abbey cast, and for not sounding exactly like the a royal when you speak. But refusing the tea and just taking the crumpet? Unforgivable.
The tourist board will be in touch.
You cause outrage when you call Breakfast Tea and Earl Grey 'the same'
Who was to know there were so many types of tea and flavour infusions? And why is 'normal' tea called English Breakfast Tea when people drink it ALL DAY LONG? It's confusing stuff for us anti-tea troops.
There goes your invite to afternoon teas, cream teas and tea parties
Despite your distaste for the leafy liquid, you LOVE the idea of such a dainty little get together.
But when you turn up and order a coffee (or worse, a soft drink) you're meet with judging eyes that clearly say 'You don't belong here, buddy.'
And this generally leave us with...
All-consuming teapot set envy
Oh man, you love the LOOK of the kitsch teapot starring at you at the car boot sale - and the matching tea cups are adorable - but, alas, being Tea Total means this is a useless purchase that can't be justified. Move along. Reserved for the REAL tea drinkers.
Which is weird because, even though you don't drink tea...
You're still obliged to BUY tea bags
And good ones at that. Just in case you have any visitors, ever.
Your mother will look at you with that 'where-did-I-go-wrong?' look if you can't make her a proper strong brew upon her visit.
And in a nation of tea-lovers, saying you don't have tea in your home is the equivalent of telling them no they can't use your toilet because you don't have one. You prefer just to go outside.
And you still invite people to 'Pop in for a cuppa tea'
It's a classic turn of phrase - one that essentially means 'let's spend time together,' but with a British touch.
You can't ask people over for coffee because that sounds like a cheesy line from an American rom-com. And 'would you like a hot beverage?' doesn't have the same let's-have-a-gossip ring to it.
Last option is 'Would you like to come and sit in my house and maybe talk to me. I'll bring dry biscuits for you to gnaw on?'
Because every Brit knows...
Biscuits just ARE NOT the same without tea
Digestives, custard creams... even the occasional treat of a chocolate covered Hobnob. We hate to admit it, but they just don't taste as good when dry. Sometimes, when we've spotted a Jammy Dodger on the scene, we'll accept a cup of tea just to drench it with, even though we'll never actually sip on the stuff.
Worth noting, people generally do not approve when you dunk your biscuit in their tea (literally no innuendoes intended) without permission.
Who knew biscuits politics were so complicated? Spoiler: again, every Brit.
Sometimes you'll accept tea to avoid awkward situations
Because British people will do next to anything to avoid awkward situations.
That look in your nan's eye when you break the 'I Hate Tea' news to them is often too much too bear; it's not just disappointment and distaste. She's WOUNDED!
And trying to make pals at your new job? Letting on that you're adverse to a brew is a sure-fire way to show you're not team player because…
No one will ever trust you to do office tea run
Admittedly not be the worse thing in the world, but you're missing out a key part of British workplace bonding. No one trusts you to make them a tea due to your significant lack of experience, and nobody wants to offer you a hot beverage because they specified 'who wants a cup of TEA?' not water/coffee/hot chocolate with extra marshmallows.
And with 80% of office workers saying they get most of their juicy gossip from the tea room, it's no wonder tea haters are too keen to get involved, which results in…
You're always hyper because you try keep up with coffee
Having 4-5 cups of tea a day is doable; in fact, it's the normal here on the British Isles. But the same volume of coffee a day? Eek, not so manageable.
Considering your average cup of joe has as much a 5 times more caffeine in, it's probably NOT a good idea to have a coffee on every tea run.
You never understand how people are 'desperate for a cup of tea'
The weak, browny liquid hardly injects the life into you (it's not coffee, after all) so why are Brits walking around all the time gagging for a cuppa?
Tea haters will simply never understand it.
You constantly feel like you've let your country down
Mainly because this is what tea drinkers will tell you time and time again until you sadly gulp down a (gross) cup of tea just to shut them up.
Are you a secret tea hater?
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