The former Celebrity Big Brother star, who famously claimed to have had a threesome with Wayne Rooney whilst she was working as a call girl, began her column by slamming Fifty Shades Of Grey critics.
"If that kind of behaviour promotes abuse then we're all screwed and we've all been raped"
Insisting that the behaviour exhibited by Christian Grey is in no means abusive, as some have claimed, she wrote: "If that kind of behaviour promotes abuse then we're all screwed and we've all been raped.
"I, for one, love all the tying up and being bossed about. It doesn't mean that I fancy getting attacked in a dark alley by a rapist."
The Daily Star columnist continued: "Being tied up, spanked and controlled is all about role play and being submissive, so long as a partner knows when to stop, what's the big deal?
"These moany old a**eholes should try it sometime, they need gagging and whipping into shape even if for just one night."
But Helen Wood didn't stop there - naturally - explaining that, while she loves playing the submissive in a man's bedroom fantasy, she's never really understood why some people choose to film themselves while having sex.
Revealing that she once watched a sex tape with her ex (starring him and his previous girlfriend, no less!), she wrote: "I remember him telling me about his ex-girlfriend and how awful she was (which I'm guessing now means she just saw sense and pied the idiot off).
"He showed me a vid one morning in bed on his laptop of them going at it on YouPorn. Call me weird, but I watched it.
"I just felt sorry for the girl. I did laugh (through embarrassment) because she was fully aware of what she was doing."
The mum-of-one admitted that she tends to blame the woman in situations such as these, writing scathingly: "Call it what you will, but everyone knows a guy gets a high-five for every bang (and bonus points if he gets a video banging the chick) but what moron of a girl bends over and waves for the camera?
"Thick, so thick, when the s**t hits the fan, I wouldn't pity any girl."
Ouch - what do you make of Helen Wood's comments? Let us know via the comments box below now.