‘I can still see myself in my bedroom as a child, my tiny legs thrashing on the bed. I was about 11 or 12, and my father was sexually abusing me.
When this used to happen I would stare at the window, or something in my room, just to pretend it wasn’t happening, that I wasn’t there.
My brother, who died years ago following a long addiction to heroin and alcohol, remembers coming in on one such occasion when he was five and hearing me crying. He said he ran up and down the stairs as loudly as he could so someone would hear him and maybe the abuse would stop. But it never did.
He was just 41 when he died and he never managed to get the help he needed to fight his demons. I was devastated when I found out he was doing drugs. I fetched him several times and got him clean, and the final time he had agreed to come and live with us permanently, but he ran out of time.
'My first kiss was stolen from me, I couldn’t dance with boys, couldn’t have proper relationships - everything was a constant struggle.'
For years I lost out on all the normal parts of teenage life. My first kiss was stolen from me, I couldn’t dance with boys, couldn’t have proper relationships - everything was a constant struggle.
The problem with incest, or any kind of abuse within the family, is that there are so many mixed emotions. You still love that person in a way - they are your family member - despite what they’re doing to you.
I idolised my father, I thought he was the best dad in the world, and I was closer to him than I ever was to my mother - who never seemed that bothered by me.
But despite my idolisation, he was a cruel man who took my childhood away from me, and changed the course of my life forever.
'Telling my family about my ordeal was very hard...But they love you and they will accept you as you are'
I struggled constantly with depression, anxiety and eating disorders, until I eventually had a full on break down in 2000. I had to leave work, and that was the point where I was finally given the therapy I needed.
Telling my family about my ordeal was very hard, especially for my son (now 34), who struggled with the idea that I had been through that. But they love you and they will accept you as you are.
Now, at 55, I have reclaimed my life. I have an amazing family, two children and several grandchildren, I had a successful career in London for years, and I’ve just written my own book.
I want my story to be a message to people who have had this hurt in their lives - it’s not too late, you can have a life, a happy life. Just make sure you get the help you need.'
About EMDR
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Carolyn was prescribed EMDR (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing therapy)
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It’s used for treatment of post traumatic stress disorder, especially with soldiers
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Ideal for those who experienced severe trauma that remains unresolved
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In Carolyn’s case, she was asked to pick a trusted person who she would ‘take with her’ through the parts of her memory she was too scared to visit. Upon doing so, therapists are able to unlock traumatic events that have been essentially ‘locked up’ for decades.